Truck Sleepers - Romani RV

"Aww yea, Happy Feet, pedal to the metal, mofo! (SSSCRREEEEEECH BLAM!)"

Here We Go...

I will do this again...I had an idea awhile back for time-released blog posts for people I wanted to be able to read when I was indisposed or couldn't be there for them.

MMar 8, 2010
Notes From The Waiting Room - Part One

"Love" What is it? To be honest, I have no clue. Most people dont, yet trick themselves into thinking they do. WHat the hell is It. Well...it's insanity. More so today in a loveless world...what's the divorce rate up to now? It's an invention of the greeting card industry..yes, its mos def that. But It's also mutual, SENSIBLE sacrifice. It's wanting to declare a geehawd on a million muthafuckas WITH someone..not FOR them or against them. Four chambers in the heart, to be loaded with bullets to shoot at a wicked world. A pilot & copilot in a B52 bomber. Its kinship...but it has to go beyond that. It is NOT waiting in vain...but if it's mutual you can wait until the Sun turns supernova. You can wait until generations of stars become wishes. It IS insanity...but it has to be measured insanity to be a healthy insanity, small doses... "A little nonsense now & then is treasured by the wisest men". Well, that's what I *think* Love is....but what the fuck do I know?

Miami Like A Mofo

Israel to Build Civilian Nuclear Power Plants

Israeli Nuclear Power

Well, here we go. Israel has no oil. Of course, we're all supposed to believe that Iran, which sits on huge oil reserves, wants nuclear power for "peaceful purposes". MY ASS. The Magical Imam from the 5th Dimension or whatever can be content with the billions of gallons of oil. OPEC probably ain't too happy about this.

Can we just have George Jetson electric cars already?

The Kind Of Communism For Me

I don't believe communism works as a system for nation states that are a hodge podge of different peoples with different values. But, among people that share most values, ideals, I believe it works. Works like this:

Person 1: My scanner is busted and I can't afford a new one right now. I gotta scan all this stuff so I can put it online!
Person 2: Well, come over and we'll scan all of it. You can come use my scanner until you can afford your own.
Person 1: Thanks!

Speaking of which, communism, soviets...I think it went something like this. It was sort of the battle of the moustaches:

Leo Trotsky: Er, Mr. Secretary, perhaps we should worry more about our problems here, not going around telling everyone outside of Russia what to do.

Stalin: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME?! I am the GREAT STALIN, Lord Hammer on Hammer Mountain!

Leo Trotsky: Преданная революция: Что такое СССР и куда он идет?
!
Stalin: That's all greek to me, pal. I'm a Georgian, I can barely write in that language. TO EXILE WITH YOU, YOU ARE A THREAT TO MY POSITION AS GENERAL SECRETARY!

(Or maybe it was the other way around, who can fucking remember, the result always seems to be the same with authoritarians & empires)

Leo Trotsky: I'm so hosed! I'm going to write about it. And I'm going to write about what a moron Stalin is. At least I have a few friends & my typewriter.

(Later)

Communist Yes Man #1: Generalissimo, Father Russia, who is not Russian, but nevermind...anyway, we made that deal with Hitler so we could grab some of that Poland action.

Stalin: Speciba speciba. That is good.

Communist Yes Man #2: Lord Shit on Shit Mountain, we invaded Finland like you said to! THEY ARE KICKING OUR ASS! This isn't a cakewalk like we thought it would be. A bunch of crazy laplanders with skis are taking out our tanks with cheap molotov cocktails! A $5M tank fried by a 5 cent bottle full of petrol!

Stalin: So? Put mesh over the exhausts on the tanks so they can't throw them in there.

Communist Yes Man #2: WE DID THAT! Now they strap rocks to the molotovs so they break over the mesh anyway. These Finns are fucking crazy. They defy you. And they defy Hitler too, they're playing us off of one another!

Stalin: Throw more men at them. If there's one thing the motherland has, it's plenty of cannonfodder.

Communist Yes Man #3: Big Daddy! We just got word that Trotsky wrote a book that totally tears you a new asshole!

Stalin: HIM AGAIN!!? Send out death squads! Doesn't he know I am like Hitler with a bigger moustache?

Seriously, only Magnum PI should have a moustache. Or Higgins, his stache was cooler because he was british. British guys just seem to make sense with mustaches.

Clive: OH NIGEL, might you have any dapper dan?

Nigel: Why yes, Clive. Fancy a spot of tea? Perhaps some soldiers (toast for tea).

Clive: Oh Nigel, is there nothing better than waxing your moustache while having a spot of tea?

Nigel: I know of nothing more satisfying. Fancy a fag?

Clive: Beg your pardon? Nigel, I may be effete and cultured, but...

Nigel: A cigarette, my good man!

Clive: Oh!

Nigel & Clive: Hahahahahaha! Jolly old times!

Magnum PI can rock a stache. If you want a stache, you must be one of the following people:

British
Tom Selleck
Charlie Chaplin (a Romani, Hitler ripped off his stache)
Wyatt Earp or Doc Holliday or some badass like that.
That cartoon guy puts girls on train tracks, Dastardly Dan.
Ming The Merciless
Raz Al Ghul from the Batman comics
Groucho Marx

Okay, most of those are fictional people, but you get the point.

I met this guy once who had a moustache. And a gold tooth too, I guess he was going fullhog. His name is Eugene Hutz. He's in a band that are really awesome, Gogol Bordello. My friend Miko wanted to get a picture with him. Miko puts on some sunglasses & just stands in front of Hutz like he's the fucking Eifel Tower or something. Nope, you can't do that with a Romani. If you want a real picture of them, have to get one of them living. Hutz was okay with that, but Miko wouldn't just ask him to take a picture with him. Damn, Miko. Can talk his way into any girl's pants, usually one I would be interested in, but can't do that for some reason. I didn't want a picture with Hutz. I wanted to talk to him. Haha. I did. He was sharp. I saw them at a small show, which they played like it was a huge stadium show, because that is what they do. If there's 30 people there, they play just like it's 3,000 people. He was just sort of hanging out on the wall, chilling, watching the bassist from his band DJ. He was a pretty intense dude. Chernobyl kind of ripped his family in two. I wish that easily avoidable stupid disaster had never happened, the Soviets fucked up royally. I read a good article about it in Natl Geo not that long ago on modern nuclear power plants. No boxcutter kamikazee could take one out. Those 30,000 fatcat Saudi royals who drink on planes then go back to SA and tell people they can't drink and tell women they can't drive, I pray for the day they are scrubbing floors with everyone else.

Rich Saudi Prince 1: Holy crap! America built 20 new nuclear power plants!

Rich Saudi Prince 2: Allahhu ackbar! We are fucked! God is great in his fucking of us!

Rich Saudi Prince 1: Damn it. Now I'll only be able to have 3 wives and 4 supermodel girlfriends!

Rich Saudi Prince 3: The King said to load all the diamonds on the plane, we gotta jet.

Rich Saudi Prince 4: HAHA, Ali, you make PUN!

Rich Saudi Prince 3: (Pulls out pistol: BLAM) He was the stupid brother anyway.

And then there were three.

Book Review: People Of The Lie

In this society, everyone is narcissistic to a degree. A narcissistic person is not necessarily a destructive, evil person. Narcissism may be a phase someone is going through, a growth spurt.

This book, by M. Scott Peck though, posits that evil does exist and should be considered a psychiatric disorder.

In some circumstances, I do believe it is better to call a person evil. It's rare to encounter a person that is truly such..woe to you if you ever do. Evil is a sequence...let's pretend it is a sequence of binary. Each byte, equals a binary act of evil. Let's think of the human brain as what it is, a computer. If a person executes a byte and sees that the consequences do harm, and does not readjust, then they do that say megabytes of times in their life, then one becomes a sequence of evil that is hard to reprogram. Others can become pulled into this sequence, these people have a gravitational pull like a black hole.

Adolf Hitler was an evil sequence. He hated his lineage, hated his parents - really, hated his father who was an abusive drunk...he hated himself. All that hatred, all those things within himself that he hated, he projected onto those he considered weak & inferior - Jews, Romani ("gypsies"), the mentally ill, the handicapped, homosexuals (which is ironic, since some Nazis were obviously homo to the max), dissenters, communists, libertines, etc. Pretty much all life within and without the borders of the Fodderland. When they'd run out of people to kill, they started turning on each other. The movie Downfall does a good job of showing the rats either leaving the ship or trying to take as many down with them as possible.

People Of The Lie is about a form of pathological narcissism called "Malignant Narcissism". An MN can be a dictator, an MN can be someone of much lower status, yet have similar charisma. Wherever an MN is, though, there will be disorder, chaos, corruption & a climate of fear. Enron is a good example of a company run by malignant narcissists.

Social Work

For a bit, I volunteered at an animal shelter. That was heartbreaking sometimes, but easy. Animals don't talk. This is good.

When I worked for the library system, that was like full-time social work.

I'd help with programs for kids. I'd do displays with kids books and stuff like that, pretty fun. I'd do programs for senior citizens to kind of break up the drudgery. Now, THAT was capital C Cool. I like the old folks. They're easy to deal with, believe it or not. They're no bullshit people. I dig that. AND, I'd do stuff like "Web Surfing 101" to show them how to create an email account, how to find contacts, how to use the url bar & web browser..even how to use a mouse and basic computer skills. They're like little kids at an amusement park with that stuff. I'd use the analogy that a computer was sort of like a desk..there was a workspace, the "DESKTOP", then there were drawers, the partitions and drives. Man, it was like A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court.

Old Lady: What do these buttons on the mouse do?
Me: Depending on what program you are using, it selects. If you are holding it over a program and double click, it opens the program. In the internet browser we're using, the left one selects whatever you are holding it on. This underlined text is a link. If you want to go to that page, you hold the mouse cursor over it...
Old Lady: Ooooh
Me: Then use the left mouse button to open it...
Old Lady: Aaaah. You are a smart young man. Where did you learn this magic, wondrous being from outer space? What does the right button do?
Me: That is the options button. If you are on a link and say, you don't want to lose the page you're on, want to open a NEW window, you click that button..
Old Folks: OOOOOH. (murmuring & chatter)
Me: NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK, ROCKY, WATCH ME PULL A RABBIT OUT OF THIS HAT!

Sometimes schizophrenics would come in. What a trip they can be. I would usually be the one to deal with them, as I am a bit crazy myself. I'd get the Spanish speakers too, because nobody else even spoke the least bit of espanol. The schizos, they get on their helltrips, believe black helicopters are out to get them, or everyone is out to get them..on the latter, they are often not too far off. WHATEVER crazy shit they'd be telling me, I'd nod my head, be sympathetic, take them seriously. That would calm them down, just someone taking the abject terror they are always in seriously.

I had my life threatened on several occasions by thugs or crazy people. A few times I'd walk into the lavatory and there'd be a homeless dude shaving or something. No problem, just don't leave a mess, I would say. The WORST ever was this beautiful, smart chick that came in who I was interested in. Hey, I was a single guy, she liked me, after a few times of flirting with her, it was time to make a move...she went off into the stacks to find a book I'd given her the Dewey on, and I did the ole eyebrow swipe waiting for her to come back. A minute or so later..

Girl: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY!! Omigod, he is PLAYING WITH HIMSELF!
I run over there and some old Abe Begoda dude is shuffling off...
Abe Begoda: I'm sorry. (murmer murmer) It's a medical condition...
Me: You got about 5 seconds to get the hell out of here before I give you a REAL medical condition.
The girl left a minute later after one of the ladies consoled her. She was sobbing, terrified. Never saw her again. I can't ever watch fucking Barney Miller because of that guy. Jesus. Every time, some asshole has to mess with my game. Should've castrated that guy.."Consider your medical condition healed". Hesus, they sell porno tapes for a reason. Oh, I also loved the occasional guy that would come in and use the internet computers to print off incredibly graphic images of porn, totally oblivious that there's anything socially irresponsible about doing that. Wait right there, pal, I've got a cop & a restraining order on the way.

The kids were the hardest for me. I was one of TWO guys that worked there, three at the most...who was usually tasked to be bad guy for these kids, let them know even we, the public library, did not want them? YOU GUESSED IT. You think the biddys wanted to do that crap? Sometimes they would if I wasn't handy. Another time this kid was outside, cursing up a storm. Was like that scene in Flatliners where Kevin Bacon gets his ass chewed by the spectre of the little black girl he and his friends teased...

Me: Hey there buddy, what's up. You okay?
Lil Black Kid: CRACKER ASS, FLAT SKULLED, POCKETY-PANTS LIMPDICKED MUTHAFUCKA!
Me: Oh. Why good day to you too, young man. YOU STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, YOU CONTAMINATED THE STERILE CEILING WHICH NOW HAS TO BE DECONTAMINATED..I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

Always these parents would drop their kids off and just leave them there, for HOURS. On school days, there'd be kids in there...I KNOW this is a school day, why am I the only one gives a crap? Not library policy, huh. Diffusion of responsibility. I'd grill them. "Oh, I got suspended for two weeks". Great. 90% of them, would they come in and read a book? HELL NO! They'd come and play video games on the computer. When their time was up, off to sit at a table and wreck havoc. HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA..THERE'S ALL THESE BOOKS IN HERE, WHY DON'T YOU READ ONE. "Oh. Ok. Hey, this book is pretty good". BAM! Thank you. Yes it is. "Is it my time to get on the puter yet"? (Face:palm) Shit, I LOVED the library in the podunk burgh I grew up in. "Ah, the quiet sanctuary of the musty lyeberry..the card drawers, the old smell. The fragrant takashiwa of little ole lady libarians that dress like pastel nuns. This is tranquility." 1st offense is Sh! 2nd is Shhh! 3rd is SHHHHHH! A library in a major city though is a damn daycare for the disadvantaged. Freaking romper room. I lost count of the times I'd be there like 30 minutes past close, off the clock, waiting for some parent to come for them. The unwanteds & undesirables.

Me: So..is your mommy coming?
Kid: I dunno. She at work or somethin. She said she be here.
Me: What about your daddy.
Kid: (Shrug) He in jail. She got a boyfriend now.

I did social programs in Christian Academy & at church. And I did it for years working & volunteering for JPL. All these people that don't/can't/won't have kids...well, I can relate. But since there's all these little kids that don't have any role models, and since they didn't really ask to be born, maybe some of our cornfed, uppercrust spoiled asses could spare a day or two a month to take them fishing or to see a movie about tapdancing dogs. I don't know.

Lieberry. Me and this hilarious gay dude, Mark, would make fun of the way one of the other Library Assistant would say library.

Me: Hey Mark, you got any o dose lieberries? I am hun-gary.
Mark: I dunno, why lemmie see! YES, I picked em just now (feigns pulling something out of his ass, razz tongue) BRRRRPPPP!

Often a dumbass would clog the toilet up with paper towels. Ya know, there'd be a FULL ROLL of toilet paper RIGHT THERE..paper towels in the toilet. I'd grab the plunger from the employee breakroom, but the head librarian would say "No no, that's maintenance's job. Let's call them".

Awww YEAH, It's Motel time!

Motel was this old Russian immigrant. Really cool guy, I wish I'd recorded alot of the stuff he'd say. He preferred to be called Mark, so I did. 30 minutes or so later, in would saunter Motel. He'd go in the bathroom, then waltz out plunger in hand.."Whew! Okiedokie. Sheet gone now, no more sheet! Hard job! Heehee". Always a glimmer in that guy's eye. He'd go sit at the breakroom table for 10 or 15 minutes and I'd grab him something to drink. "Oyayee, my back. Dey always say Americans vin vorld var two. Not true. You know what vin vorld var two? RUSSIAN WODKA! German blood FREEZE UP in vinter! Wodka keep blood VARM!" Haha. True. Frozen like teutonic totems at Stalingrad & Kursk.

Evil

As I told C. Burak, evil is a sequence of insanity, doing the same thing a thousand times & expecting a different result each time. I went to Burning Man with the biggest, most pathologically narcissistic sequence I've ever had the misfortune to deal with. Has a boyfriend, while I have no girlfriend, yet STILL tries to pull me into her bullshit. STILL won't do the slightest bit of self-reflection that I & others have done for a long time as adults. "Friends from our youth have a powerful hold on our minds like no others" - Mary Shelley. It's true. Usually it's fine. Sometimes though..horrible. Can't ever be honest & direct with her...she'll thank you for your directness, then proceed to royally fuck with your life behind your back. Cointel Pro. The latest text from from a-hole:

"I know better and should prolly take this with a grain of salt-but i get scared at times...esp when I have someone whispering in my ear that you are ready to write me off...I don't mean to lay my insecurities out on you...and he's prolly taking something you said the wrong way...but a word of comfort would be appreciated..but only if ya mean it. Or do we have something to talk about?"

NO, we have nothing to talk about. Have to block her, it's just more game. This is what K was talking about with all his pieces of eight pearls of wisdom! "Can't be close to someone who uses your honesty behind your back to hurt you"...yes, that is what this one does. She works stuff out of you, then she takes it to another person & works stuff out of them, then she takes their stuff to you and works stuff out of you, back and forth until it's total pandemonium. "Man, sometimes, with certain people, the best way to care is to just NOT CARE". "Well, what is it worth if they have some of your stuff to have them out of your life? Lose a bunch of stuff? Fine, that was the price to get them out of my life...sounds like I got a good deal, really." K, the Catholic menzik!

Tired of being a free therapist for folks with good health insurance that can afford one. If they're part of my unitarian community or friends who can't afford it, that's one thing. But...They spend plenty of money on fancy toys like Vaio laptops, an LCD projector (yes), etc. Then want to charge me like half the rent for the place when they should pay ME for dealing with their chaos & mediating. DO THE PERSONAL WORK, cowards. I spent MY OWN MONEY for months on an expensive shrink when I was 24, up until I got insurance through work, then I kept paying then. I could've used that money for a lot of fancy tchotkies. I just bought art supplies now and then, clothes now & then, and a few pieces of music equipment. I didn't blow it all on nice

DNA Beach Blanket Bingo (Part 2)

My ex "EH" used to play DNA blanket bingo with me all the time, when I was more interested in playing beach blanket bingo, starring Annette Funnicello & whatever that greaser's name was..Frankie Vanilla. Took me a couple of years to fully recover from EH. A spoiled craphead..a WAP (White American Princess). Mmm, an old car that was good like 20 years ago and is given to you with some duct tape on the bumper is not same as a Honda Civic with 20,000 miles on it. But, if you have an old car, I must say Jiffy Lube 5,000 mile checkins are worth the money..just watch them because they try to swindle you..make them stick to the advertised fluid check price, they'll try and throw on a buncha crap to bilk you. Pep Boys & Autozone are great too, don't try to sell you more than you need, will even come out to look at stuff if there's time. Even inflate tires.

Anyway, EH's dad was wealthy, worked in the arms industry. He had lots of Air Force connections, made things that kill people, yet would subscribe to Utne Reader. Who we fooling? Not this cat. Then he'd be all arrogant with me.."Ohhhh...YOU DON'T READ UTNE READER, huh." OH NO, there is a CLOUD of SMUG in the building! Interesting rag, sure..but I don't want a dirty pool full of algae scum & amoebas that is far more upkeep than a damn container in the ground with some water in it. I'm perfectly happy with a little chlorinated pool or hottub. If I want to swim in natural water, I'll go to springs, a lake, a mountain river, etc. I don't shuffle papers for an industry that makes clusterbombs that look like colorful toys so kids will pick them up in the desert. "Hey bawss, let's make these bomblets look like rubber duckies".."GREAT IDEA, LARRY! Haw haw! You get a raise! We are in this machination of bureacracy, we are totally beyond reproach! HEIL BENJAMINS! BTW, did you read the new Utne Reader, there's a good article on Ed Begley Jr in there." I think I can skip the formalities and head for a clean hottub, thank you.

My poppy's flag has become a prized possession for me. I would never let anyone throw it away..like Linus on crackrock "NOOOOO MY BLANKET! IMMA SLEEP ON DA SKREET, SO LONG AS I GOT MAH BLANKET". I was tired of leftcore & rightcore dingbats that don't appreciate what many immigrants and natives appreciate more. This country is Babylon AD, sure, but it's all I got at present. While the neocons are squabbling with the leftcores, I'll be right there picking the neo-con's pocket, & I'll be slipping an invite in the leftcore's pocket that says "Armless Party @ 9". BECAUSE..the leftie is annoying, but has the better heart. Get their arms ripped off fighting battles for communist martyr stuff. Armless martyrs need to have fun too, and need people to hold their drinks for them. Maha. They have less money and don't have a basement full of humidors with smuggled Cuban cigars. I LIKE this country. "ZUKA, WHATCHEW DOIN, ZUKA!" I'm just doin what I do (something a crazy homeless dude with a filed down screwdriver said to me in New Orleans..YEAH. I was like "Oh, I gotchya man. You keep stabbing the air with that..I think you could make bank doing that at kids parties." EXIT STAGE LEFT) Circle the wagons, chuck, there's injuns on the horizon! Plenty of opportunities for people with values & passion in babylon AD.


Having your DNA dissected is pretty painful. Not everyone has every jenga piece, pulling the jenga pieces of a person..down like a tower. Down like a..burning man. I appreciate the sensitivities of old world families & boat people. Khazar, Ashkenaz, Russian, Serbian, who fucking cares..it's not SOoo important here. I mean, that stuff is INTERESTING to me, I have respect, but 99% of people don't give a shit. If you rub it in their face too much, they'll go all Bill Poole "Native American" on you at some point. We are just capsules of energy in a body with its own burdens at the end of the day. I've been into "aryan" looking people, I've been into people that are hardly so. I like what I am like & I like what I am not like: dark hair, brown eyes. I do not look very Roma like some in my family do. I tend to like people's spirits more than anything. EH would listen to crappy neo-folk bands that wore SS uniforms and shit, would want me to identify as Aryan, which is a lie there is no such thing..Romani is an indo-aryan language. Aryan is a group of languages spoken by people with dark hair & odd customs who would've found themselves in Birkenau 70 years ago.

EH would ask me about the Taggarts who are from Ulster, because she'd gone to Ireland several times..I couldn't say much, never had the money to go, but I'd done research, would talk about it. Finally I'd be like "hush up, let's go to the beach, you are upsetting me, let's live & not talk about a country I can't afford to go to". Then she'd sing these dumb Sinn Fein pub songs about killing protestants..yeah, killing other Irish because they worship god differently, that is what it is to be Irish. I always thought it was Swift, Keats, old St. Patrick, leprechauns, and making the best of a bad hand. Then..Oh, you're German, heil hitler! Yeah, well Goethe was a German who stomps Nietzche's balls, as was Oscar Schindler. I don't speak German anyway & I give a shit about an Austrian homo who ripped off Chaplin's moustache and was obsessed with genes & being King Crap on Crap Mountain. He would fuck prostitutes, then blame da jooz. He even fucked his niece & imprisoned her..a real gem. Should've been more concerned with how he was livin and where he was going. Myself, I'd take painting boring postcards out in the street any day over being in history books as a notoriously evil asshole. Soothe my soul because I am more DiCaprio Dead Rabbit than I am Bill Poole with his tophats & clubbing of Black Irish fresh off the boat. On very rare occasions I LOVE a steak though, & I when I do I like it bloody. Jesus. Drugs.

"Asian food, watch some blaxploitation with me, watch me play with my hair, get high, hush and dont think about inconsequential stuff so much"...THAT is for ME. God of mercy, I want some mo of dat! Been sooo long since I felt comfortable with someone that it was actually UNcomfortable. Would always be "Eww, you like reggae. What, do you think yer BLACK!!" An' I'm black ya'll, and I'm back ya'll, and I'm bliggidy black-black-da-black yall. NO, I don't think I'm black, for pete's sake, I like good music. Toots & The Maytals, Burning Spear, Trojan Label, Dub, Dubstep, Rocksteady, Dancehall, I like all that stuff. Let's face it, most American pop music is ripped off from black people anyway, why get all fucking racist & uppity. It's like these rednecks that listen to Charlie Pride.."Ah yeah, this here guy's singin mah SONG!"..then they see the album cover.."gerddam, this here baww's COLORED! This CD's comin' to tha firin' range!" Yeah, he is black Captain Obvious. Now you don't like the song anymore? OH NO, it might make ya wanna smoke pot, listen to jazz & fuck a black woman! Next thing ya know, you'll be jumping out of 10-story windows with your cowboy hat as a parachute. Charlie Pride Madness! Beware Charlie Pride's black mamba of yetzer hocus, for it is strong.

Palmetto Bugs

Saw one earlier tonight, tried to dive bomb me. KARATE CHOP! I think not, time to die. If you don't know what a palmetto bug is, you have likely not lived in a subtropical zone. Here's a good mugshot:


"HI! I'm a disgusting motherfucker who is not only a roach, but a roach that will fly into your face! I went to Al-Jihad Flying Academy! Now pardon me while I snack on your big fat yeast roll."

EH was this ex of mine who treated me like crap, then married some boring shlub who is never around because he's a stockbroker or insurance salesman, something like that. I can tell whenever he's on business trips or she's bored & out with friends, because she drunk texts me two or three times a year. It's no big deal to me, it's casual fare, and funny. She keeps trying to get me to come to San Antonio, says I'd love it there, and I don't doubt it. I think she misses me and regrets how she treated me, still cares. I saw one of these palmetto bugs a couple nights ago & it reminded me of her. Flattering, huh. Here is one of many great EH moments in time:

EH: (Calls me, we talk for a bit, she suddenly goes APESHIT) OMIGOD OMIGOD OOOH EEEEEEEEEE!!! THERE'S A COCKROACH IN HERE & IT'S FLYING, EEEEEEEEEH!'
Me: Whoa whoa calm down! SWAT THAT MUTHA!
EH: (Sobbing) I can't I can't. He has wings...
Me: This is not some X-men genetic mutation. You've lived in FL all your life, you haven't seen a palmetto bug yet? They're kamikazees. That's their JOB. YOUR job is to be the USS Valiant and send that Tojo bastard into the sea before he flies into your deck!
EH: (sob) I can't..EEEEEEEK! Come kill it baby, please come kill it! Omigod EEEEEEEEEEE! (frantic rustling of phone)
Me: Hey. HEY! Sweets, I'm nearly an hour away, it's 12:30 at night. I gotta be up for work in 7 hours. I drive down to St. Augustine, I'm gonna get 5 hours sleep IF I'm lucky. I'm going to see you on the weekend in a couple of days. KILL! (Amityville Horror voice) CATCH HIM/KILL HIM/CATCH HIM/KILL HIM...
EH: (Hysterical crying) EEEEEEEK HE JUST FLEW INTO MY HAIR! (weeping)

Great. D5...you just sank my battleship, stupid bug.

I guess I am a jerk. Really, I was just irritated because she would not say what guys always have to say..what it is we would like. For example: I wish you lived closer. Or "I wish you were here to slay these foul demons of the night for me, brave warrior". Either would suffice. I should've just gone down, killed the baddy, saved the girl, posed for some photos with my leg on top of this colossus of flying doom, then staggered into work in the morning. Was hard for me to be too sympathetic, because when I was a kid in Orlando we lived in a poorly insulated house. Those bastard palmettos were a nuisance. I find a silverfish, a cricket, a lizard, whatever, I grab em and out the door they go..go and do whatever it is you do OUTSIDE. Anything with a bite that causes necrotic fascitis? Summary execution. A roach that's slipped past the Orkin defense net? (rolled up newspaper) SAYONARA, ROBOCOCKROACH!

Happiness Is A Serious Problem

And Korean tacos are seriously good.

I try to be happy unless something happens to make me UNhappy. I can't MAKE people who CHOOSE to be unhappy all the time happy..they rarely appreciate it. I have a responsibility to be as happy as possible for those that deserve to share it. I'm pretty selective about who I bother with. Reminds me of this chick I dated for about a year. Loved her, but an aggravating pain in the ass. Was this flea market I'd go to, it was like a space bazaar, & I took her with me a couple of times because it's fun. You'd have the usual cheap Chinee crap, but there'd be kitschy stuff too, & unusual people. Characters, for lack of a better word. I'd haggle a little if I thought they were asking too much for something:

EH: Why do you haggle with them sooo much?
Me: I'm not paying $15 for a DVD that is obviously a bootleg. I can spot a bootleg a mile away, the print jobs are shit.
EH: Seems cheap to me.
Me: (Sigh) Haggling at a place that expects you to haggle isn't cheap, it's smart. $10 for that DVD at MOST. That fancy pants restaurant I took you to the other night with the $20 tuna medallions & parsley as the side salad, was that cheap? The money I save can be used for better things...like lingerie. As much 3rd degree as you're giving me, you should be dancing in some lingerie on my face, like my face is a mechanical bull. MECHANICAL BULL FACE - That is what you are to call me for the rest of the evening, madam. This is your penance for questioning my authoritay when I just bought you a thoughtful gift that I DIDN'T haggle on, because it was the perfect present for you. (I think it was a stuffed retro Siamese cat) NEXT GIFT I get you will be a huge foam 10-gallon hat that you must wear while riding my face.

No, that's not what I said. The first two or three sentences are what I said. The rest is what was running through my head & SHOULD'VE been said. Here's another classic EH exchange:

EH: You smoked pot?!
Me: Yeah, my next door neighbor gave me a couple hits off the J he was smoking out in the stairwell. I feel calm, tranquil right now.
EH: OHMIGOD, I CAN'T BE DATING A POT SMOKING LOSER!
Me: Excuse me, WHAT? I just had a couple tokes! I drink little, I do this even less.
EH: My ex, all he cared about was playing music in his dumb Korn ripoff band, mowing lawns & smoking pot all the time!
Me: What was that, like two ex's ago? I'm not him. I work for the library system, and while I don't make the best money, I believe in what I do. I do community programs there too, and trust me, it's depressing dealing with alot of that stuff.
EH: Go smoke some more pot if that's what's important to you!
Me: This is BULLSHIT! You're being a jerk! (CLICK! Yes, I hung up on her)
(minute later) BREEP BREEP
EH: sob sob..nobody..sob sob..has ever..sob sob..done that to me before...
Me: Yeah? Well maybe it was time someone did. You're acting like a judgemental bitch.

Then it was like 15 minutes of make up talk, followed by a weekend of make up sex. But, you know, what..how many times did I have to do that with her, and how many times would I have had to keep doing so. Giving me grief for smoking ganja a bit while she'd go out drinking, would drink wine with her girlfriends at home...hypocrite much?

It's not hard to make me happy. Make me a sammich, be thoughtful now and then, listen to reason, do things with me from time to time, watch a movie with me, have an interest in sex, don't give me the 3rd degree 24/7...I have an invisible gender playbook that I must adhere to, to function. This is not rocket science here, at what point did it become such in western society? It's just the golden rule: treat another as you'd like to be treated. If I SERIOUSLY like someone, which isn't every day for me, I'm studious in that. If I don't really care so much...I won't rip anyone off, but I'll have them at arm's length & the eyes in the back of my head will be Clockwork Orange. Toothpicks. I feel people out, because while most people aren't totally shitty, my experience was I couldn't trust most of them further than I can throw them...which is a helluva long way if I've had my wheaties & red bull.

If someone is not treating you right, kindly let them know. Maybe they're having a bad week or month. If they don't come around after a few times - BOOT TO THE HEAD, adios muchachos, life's too short! That's a fact, jack. It's unlikely they'll magically come around, they'll just go on treating you like dirt, just because they CAN. Maybe give em another chance if they eat a little dirt to getya back. "Ain't toooo proud ta BEGGGG!" That Temptations song probably isn't the best example, David Ruffian wasn't too proud for crackrock either. "I appreciate all the bras ya'll are throwing at the stage, but can someone sling some rocks this way?!" Cocaine, crackrock, crystal meth..mendicant drugs. Food/clothes/medicine, some acceptance, trust & love, maybe a lil marryjuwanna or some coffee, guarana, yerba mate, there isn't much more a person NEEDS than that. Materva soda?! Hell yes! "Glub glub, JEPA JEPA JEPA! I am ready for the world, cholos!"

Too many see happiness as some sort of commodity, an easy path, when this isn't resource conflict. If one needs a lot of money to be happy, maybe it could be said that being happy is going to involve alot of crap that makes people jaded & miserable. Happiness is CREATED like any thing of value..it comes from within, or is created with another via shared experience & cooperation. Happiness is only real when shared..and if that's all anyone shared, what a shallow shitty world this would be. "Oh, you make me so happy...oh no, you aren't happy right now? Movin right along.." This book is by a guy with a dry writing style and a boring radio show..but I can't argue with a lot of the logic. It's good, more people should read it:

War!

I wrote this awhiles back, I'll put it up...

This country loves a war.

War Against Terror (How can you fight a concept)

War of The Sexes (I feel the same things, can we cut the crap)

War in Afghanistan & Iraq (Have any of these schmucks in charge read Sun Tzu? How many fronts are we going to fight on here?)

And...War Against (Some) Drugs. Well, the drugs that don't make the right people money. That's what it should be called. The War Against Drugs That We Can't Advertise On TV or Patent. I do like weed okay. It calms me down, makes me easier to deal with, makes it easier for me to deal with people when I know a place.

When I was a skinny lil smart ass, my family made me take my savings and use it to go to Malaysia with my brother. "Oh, you need to have more appreciation for this country. Go & see what poverty REALLY is". I live here, not in one of these third world miasmas, but thank you. I wanted to go to Serbia, Romania, Ukraine, etc.

My brother: "Eastern Europe? Why you want to go there? Boring & rundown."
Me: "It's the old country! Kiev, Lublijana, Sarajevo..these are gorgeous old world cities with a lot of history."
My brother: "Naw, you'll love Malaysia. Island resorts are the same price per day as a Motel 8 is here."

The beach, man, BEACH! It's where land meets water. BFD. I like the beach, but people lose their shit over it too much. There are nice beaches in the states, and there's plenty of coral reefs in the Keys to snorkel over & fuck up. I'm out there, floating over some coral, and I care less about the school of reef sharks nearby feeding than I do about the coral I just snapped off with a fin. I could see other spots where tourists had broken the reef.

Anyway, I go. And it was cool, ya know? The people are okay. I was expecting meccaleccajihad to the nines, but..if you're smart, little need to worry about that in Malaysia. Laskar Jihad is there, but they're marginalized, stay in their holes. Malaysia is similar to Turkey, a moderate muslim country that tries to be contemporary. It reminded me of America, really. There's Malays. There's Bangladeshis & Indians. There's a lot of Chinese & Thais. And even some Indonesians, who Malaysians hate for some reason.."They practice black magic, man, black magic". I had long hair, dreadlocks. Like, every day, there'd be some Malay kid "YEAH! RAGE AGAINST MACHINE! Rock and a ROLL!"

People bitch about drug laws here, and they are definitely stupid. They are not Malaysian drug laws though. Everywhere in Malaysia, there are potleaf skull signs, along with guys in uniforms carrying Kalashnikov rifles to make sure you can read. What happens in many states in the US if you are caught with weed is you might go to jail if you have a lot, or more likely you'll be slapped with an exorbitant fine & a record. In Malaysia, this is what you are likely to get for 7 ounces of weed:



Any amount of icky sticky, you are likely to spend a long stint in a lovely Malaysian prison. Seven ounces or harder stuff, DEATH SENTENCE. Better have a direct line to the US Consulate. Years before I went, some Aussie tourists got busted with drruuuuugs, Sidney. They swang. Even the Aussie consulate couldn't save them, it was a big deal. Malaysians do not like arrogant westerners coming into their country with drugs. Thailand is similar, with the addendum that if you insult the monarchy, you may end up in jail for a week or two. I watched my trailpack like a hawk. "NO! No..thank you, I'll put that in the teksi, thank you very much." Piss the wrong person off, there might suddenly be an ounce of hashish in your pack and a dude with a mustache, fatigues, and an I-Hate-Whitey look on his face. Really, the signs with skull & crossbones should say:

"Dear Malaysian People...stop putting sesame seed oil on all your food, it is disgusting. This decree comes from his Majesticness, the President of Malaysia. Thank you for your cooperation. Anymore sesame seed oil, and you will swing."

Because Malaysian food is the worst crap I have ever eaten in my life! Bosnian food is better. Take some week old chinese takee-outtee from your fridge, reheat it in a microwave about five times, dump a gallon of sesame seed oil on it, and you can open up your own Malaysian eatery.

Poverty. Poverty is everywhere there. I'm about to get all Sean Penn here, but..rivercities, shanty towns in Kuala Lumpur built on water that looks & smells like week old diarrhea. Get E. Coli just looking at the stuff. People stop what they're doing in alleys and just piss right on the street..not much different than downtown San Fran I guess. Little kids crawling on your back like they're wading in acid. But...HAPPY. "YAY! AMERICA AMERICA! YAYYYY!"..they weren't even asking for money. I gave them some ringits anyway. Go get yourself another shirt, little kid! That one looks like you were breakdancing in a threshing machine. I had very little room in my rucksack for tourist totchkies from Penam or somewhere anyway. "Now I have TWO clean shirts! I'm a PIMP!" (collar pop) I came back with a gilded mask of Hanuman the monkey god, some weird jewelry, many pictures, a couple of sarongs, some Mad Magazine ripoff Malaysian comics, and a pair of handcuffs..it was an ordeal explaining that to the little Japanese lady at Kansai airport. I finally just claimed them as a sexual aid...well, it worked! Japanese pervs.

I was perpetually sick, because I kept drinking iced watermelon juice, "Teng Mu". THE STUFF IS AMAZING, I COULDN'T STOP! "Chirit Berit" - Bahasa Malay for diarrhea. The water code isn't, uh, up to par there. It's a tropical climate, humid as heck, and there are bugs there that will gnaw your face off then wear it like a halloween mask. The Brits would go stomping around in those jungles for days, camping with centipedes the size of a child's arm. There were a lot of British backpackers who were hardcore..fearless. They aren't worth as much on the black market. Hung out with some in Huahin, Thailand.

Brit 1: Cheerio mate, num nummin on banana pancakes? Addictive, ain't they guvnah?
Me: You know it brutha, I can't get enough of them.
Brit 2: Where you drop in from then? You a Yank?
Me: Yup (to everybody else, Canadian..it's better that way). Came by train from Malaysia a couple days ago.
Brit 1: Right right. We just got back from CAMBODIA! Snuck across the border.
Me: What? You guys are nuts!
Brit 2: Naw mate, it was great! We crossed over into Laos too. Saw a bunch of ancient buddhist temples, tucked away just waiting for us.
Me: There's still Khmer Rouge remnants hanging around those mountains looking for people like us. You two are charmed.
Brit 1: Naw, it was good fun! Didn't see any of dem. Can't go worryin about dem wankas.
Me: You guys are, like, my personal heroes. I believe these are your banana pancakes.

Awhile back, my brother was looking for cheap trips to Europe..

Jim: "I've heard good things about Slovenia. Not as expensive as Western Europe, tons of great Aegean beaches..."
Me: FACEPALM

Haterz

I said to someone recently that I hate people, but that's not the case so much. I'd had a bad day, I was kinda slacking & getting chewed for it. My car had stalled & I was more angry at myself for being dumb & not getting gas while I was thinking about it. A couple of people stopped their routines to help me push some. I was outside the gate to the parking lot & some jogger stopped, helped me push it a bit. I said "thanks, bless ya bro, I got it from here". He said "are you sure, I can help you the whole way". I don't know why I didn't say YES, but hell..I was grateful for the bit he did help, didn't want to take advantage of the dude. I get inside the lot, and there's this incline, it was becoming impossible to push. This pickup truck was behind me, and I sort of waved at the guy to go around me. MOST people would've just zipped around. But this good ole boy jumped out and helped me push it into a lot. "Howdy feller. Need some help?" Damn. Then I go saying I hate people. I don't. It's just having realistic expectations. I guess they liked the mohawk I was still sporting, I dunno.

Wonder Showzen

Last Summer, my brother was visiting from Japan, because he's too good for the States. We were looking at funny vids, banned commercials, crap like that.

Me: "Have you seen Wonder Showzen"?
Jim: Wonder Wha? Who or what is a Wonder Showzen.
Me: It's pretty much the most racist, bigoted, wrongest most hilarious show ever produced. They make fun of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, especially white people. Nothing is sacred on this show. I can only watch it every once in awhile, too much leads to retardation & psychosis.
Jim: (Sigh)..Great. Sounds right up my alley. Alright, let's see it. This is going to be some stupid crap, isn't it.

MTV Shows

MTV Shows

Jim: (look on face like I just handed him a turd pickle) What the hell did you just make me watch. People think that's funny?
Lee: Ah, you no like?
Jim: It's just immature, weird & sick. The hot dog & white people music videos were funny though.
Lee: Yeah. Hey, you let your kids watch South Park. Don't get all high & mighty on me, man.

Project Playalist

Favorites

Does anyone even use this anymore? Everyone's got a hard on for Pandora now, which doesn't let you share compilations to my knowledge. I hate that the links go bad so often on stupid Playlist though.

Oldies

Oh wait, I know why nobody uses it anymore. BECAUSE IT'S BUGGIER THAN A BANGKOK STREET WALKER!

Movie Review

I wrote a bunch for eFilm Critic, this respected, super-hip movie review site.

http://www.efilmcritic.com/hbs.cgi?reviewer=156

I'm going to talk about a movie I love, Once Upon A Time In America. It's one of two of Sergio Leone's epic movies about the United States, the other being Once Upon A Time In The West. It starts with a bunch of kids, a gang of resourceful street urchins lead by Robert Dineiro & James Woods. They quickly begin to encroach not only on the territory of other youth gangs, but on the territory of the mafiosos and such. There is one great scene where they devise a way to hide bootleg liquor under the surface of the water, so that when a shipment is about to be intercepted by the feds, the people on the boat dump these packages with counterweights filled with salt. After they get off scot free, they go back to where the booze is under the water and the salt in the bags dissolves so the buoys pop back up. Zoink! BRILLIANT!

Woods' character is the one that wants it all, always thinks too big. Dineiro's character is the more cynical one, who doesn't want much more than to make enough money to win the heart of his childhood sweetheart, a jewish girl who thinks him douchey & without value, while she dreams of being a big shot actress & superstar herself. There's one really terrible scene where he does all these things for her, romances her, pours his heart out to her, and she pretty much tells him: NOPE, I wanna go to HOLLYWOOD & be a BIG STAR. But, ya know, sorry and everything, I'm truly crazy about you. AHHHHHRRRG! Hoops & hoops and hoops. He ravishes her, she flees for Hollywood, then he spends most of the movie all brooding and filled with guilt, consorting with ladies of the night, half-heartedly. Isn't feeling it. He goes to opium dens to zone out, ease the pain. Isn't feeling that so much either. This movie is pretty Tarantino. It jumps from past to present to future, back again. My favorite part is where the leader of another youth gang is chasing them, shoots the youngest one & kills him.



As years go by, Woods and Deneiro grow apart in their values. Dineiro is humble, doesn't want a lot of attention & heat, Woods wants it all, is out of control, wants to try to knock over a Federal Reserve. Dineiro tries to get the cops to bust him on some little charge to keep him from doing something suicidal, so Woods sets him up & disappears. The end of the movie is amazing. I won't give that away. Never give away a punchline.

It's just a great fucking movie. Scorcese must have watched it, because Gangs of New York has some similarities.



Back before every damn trailer revealed the ending of the movie. What morons make trailers now? "(Moviefone Voice) Bruce Willis is a guy who thinks he's alive, but is really a ghost psychologist. Coming next month: THE SIXTH SENSE. Enjoy the movie I just ruined for you, schmucks. (DUMB DUMB DUMB)."

"IN A WORLD, WHERE APES EVOLVED FROM MEN BECAUSE MEN BLEW UP THE WORLD WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS, CHARLETON HESTON IS ON...THE PLANET OF THE APES. (EXPLOSION)"

NoOOooooo! You damn dirty bastards. You went & did it, didn't you! You went and rooo-ined this fuckin movie for me! (falls to knees at movie theatre)

DNA Beach Blanket Bingo (Part 1)

Lineage Schmineage..

This whole what's-your-lineage DNA scientist game...the natives do that. "You're Eskimo-Christian-HipHop-Badabadabingbang too? Ohhhh, Dirka dirka, mohammed jihad, here are keys to the castle, open Shemsami..." The natives love their hyphenateds, yet hate others for theirs. Gangs of New York crap. If you're just trying to be an American, have your mode, they start adding all these hyphenateds to you & then slap a hyphenated sticker on you & say "haha, eat shit now, sucker". A guy, an American one, is like the country he lives in. Becomes responsible for the sins of the fathers, mothers, AND..the sins of the country he lives in..though this is no longer a patrician society in actuality. Dan Savage did this lecture that blew my mind..wish I'd never seen it, but I'm grateful there's a gay columnist and a female sociologist writer to write about what guys are rarely ever allowed to: the male heart wound. There's lots of dumbass douchie guys..I just get douchey now & then. I try to be happy. I've GOT to, it affects people I care about when I give in to negativity too much. Some stuff just can't matter.

Gilda Radner

I know at least one chick who will find this hilarious.

I remember this spoof commercial from when I was a little kid. It was funny then, even funnier now. Gilda Radner was really brilliant.

Big reveal at the end of the year. It's best not to think about things so much, yes. I feel more alien than ever. Well, no, I feel about as alien as I always did. I've thought about this stuff my whole life. Was sort of meant to be I guess.

Michael Savage VS Dan Savage

Every once in a while I'll catch Michael Savage (Michael Weiner) on the radio. Dude's totally nuts. I like that. My friend Kevin does the perfect impersonation of him: "I'll give Teddy da meatballs, I just like the marinara. HAWHAHAW, my dog is going to need an angioplasty. Eating healthy is for red diaper doper baby communists." He'll get bored doing his extreme mouthpiece patter and just talk about food for like two hours, rambling, laughing at his own jokes. This guy gets his own radio show? He's not all that funny, just his epileptic fits are. Love it when his boneheaded first-time-caller/long-time-listeners dial in & totally agree with him.."megabuttfuckdittos, Mackel, I tertally agree with everything you say."..and he insults them for agreeing with him.."Whaddayou, a moron, an imbecile?! GET OFF MY SHOW. GET OUT OF HERE!" LOL

Dan Savage > Michael Savage. Not that long ago I found this lecture by Dan Savage, who is a good writer. It is..eh, it is what it is, and that is supremely depressing. Little fun for me, never was much lasting happiness. True happiness is created. Happiness is only real when shared and nobody is happy all the time. Well, the lobotomized are I guess. Are occasionally days when I want to punch everyone I see in the face. What I wouldn't give for a pretty face that calms me down on those days.."NO, no hulk smash! Me friend. Come, Hulk, come smoke weed with me & watch this silly movie with me. Settle down, hulkster". In a perfect world. I want a Rush Limbaugh weeble wobble to vent my aggression on. That would be cool. The base would be filled with viagara & oxycotin.

Only a gay columnist and some female sociologist writer have ever broached the subject of just how bad it can suck to be a straight guy. They're the only ones permitted to, really, it's more acceptable for them to express feelings.



Makes some good points. If I feel like wearing leiderhosen while eating jello off someone's boobs, that is not gay..what it IS, is hilarious. Why does sex have to be so serious all the time?

Little Late for Halloween...

"Bbbrraaainnnnns....I Mean, PENISSSSS."

Christianity is Stupid

Ahaha. Forgot how much I love the Dead Milkmen. Best band ever.

I do not care much for most Xtian denominations. Stupid blood martyr crap, Mr. Perfection, never understood it. Always caught me grief at Sunday school & at Church. I did like this one preacher who would use props and stuff to make points. He gave these two kids in the "Pastor's Pals" club each a penny, and said "here's the most important toy you can have..it says IN GOD WE TRUST, and it's a bible that is always in your pocket". And it was hilarious seeing these two kids standing there looking at him like, "WTF, that suit you're wearing costs $800, you gave the kids last sunday those cool zoetrope things. I trust in god, but this is money. I trust that this one penny is not going to get me one of those badass zoetrope things! Maybe this penny will pry open your cadillac window so I can get me one of those zoomtrope thingajiggers, or I can work and get some more of these pennies, put them in a sock, and hit you over the head with them! ZOMAMATROPE. LORD JESUS HEAR MY CRIES!". There's supposed to be some lost gospel where Jesus acts like a total jerk up until about 13 or 14 years old, using his "magical" powers to mess with people. Hey, right around the time someone would have a bar mitzvah.

I did always like the turn the other cheek thing. Unfortunately, most Xtians assume this to mean turn every cheek over and over again. One cheek, two cheek. Okay, now my ass cheeks. That's not a faith, that's called bondage porn. The turn the other cheek thing is done for perspective, so you don't go acting like a jackass all the time over misunderstandings.


The unitarian faiths that aren't big on trinitarianism are okay. The Catholics have their rituals & iconongraphy & such, do a lot of social programs & charity work. But there's that whole eucharist thing. And the doomsday crap like Fatima's Hand prophecy or whatever. And the whole inquisition/Torquemada thing, and diddling altarboys..why they gotta treat their priests like robots? I don't know about you, but if I had to hear people confessing all the ass they've been getting while I'm in a restricting collar, I'd wanna come home to a five-course meal & about 3 hours of body massage, baby oil & a happy finish. And Transsubstantiation. It's like a horror movie. WHO came UP with that crap? Was Yeshua actually that damn crazy? He couldn't just say: "aw man, guys, I am so screwed. Let's get get plastered on wine & maybe score some, might be my last chance to get laid". Instead, it is "Hey guys, I've got an idea. Um, ya know, I didn't want to be the messiah, but you dumbasses went and said I was, so now I'm fucked. Awesome, thanks so much. So...let's have a last supper before I go get my ass crucified because other people have big mouths. I was just saying, ya know, are some things that gotta change. Anyway, have some of this...".

Paul: Sounds good bawss!
John: Mmmm...wafer cakes!
Jesus: Here ya guys go...
Simon: Wow, this is pretty good.
Jesus: You like it, do ya?..it's MY TAINT! HAW HAW! This is my body, this is my blood, and that is the sweet taste of my ass-to-balls connector. Eat up, foos! That's what you get for calling me messiah & getting me hosed! (jumps on table, endzone dances)

Do they eat up on the booty too? Jesus's ass - It's what's for breakfast. Cannibalism. How does a religion get started from that? I doubt it ever happened. Maybe Jesus really was that Apollonius of Tyana guy, a miserable ass ascetic that waltzed in from Greece & wanted in on some of the YHWH action. Started getting pissed because he couldn't join in on the reindeer games. So, being a lunatic, he started raising hell and tearing everything apart, messing with everyone's mode. Ya know, I'dve probably crucified someone like that too. And I'dve put Mel Gibson over him in a 69 position for good measure, the wife-beating moron. Damn, is ANYTHING sacred? I can't even watch Road Warrior now, it's ruined. Get help, Mel, you are sullying the fine reputation of Mad Max & V-8 interceptors. What was it Groucho Marx said? "I'd never be a member of any club that would have me"? Nope, I'll just be the valet that is always listening & learning..."YESSAW BAWSS! Shit vs. Shinola! GOT IT."

A greek philosopher would be well-versed in the sciences. A greek philosopher would know about tidal changes, sandbars, things like that.

Paul: OH NO, Boss Jesus! We're stuck, god has doomed our humble little boat!
Jesus: (This goombah. It's just a sandbar) Hey guys, LOOK AT THIS, IMMA WALK ON WATER.
John: Whoaaaa...this guy is the deliverer of humanity!
Jesus: I'll be back with help! And some wine & bread. Recognize!

The New Testament is the most confusing, muddled bunch of clusterfug ever written. One guy says Jesus did this, another says Jesus did that, another says, no you're both wrong, he did something else entirely, 4th guy's dog ate his version of events, etc. Then centuries later, a sexually repressed monk spills ink while transcribing Revelations because he's fantasizing about choir boys. Then some bloated douche king like Henry VIII wants to divorce his 12th wife or something, has it changed. And so on and so on and so on. HONK SHEWWWW HONK SHEWWW.

I believe in god. That much is for sure. God of love & mercy..and when it is so required, the god of cleansing fire and of kicking scarabs' asses off my Uriah heap.

Radio Tower of Babylon

Hey hoez that ain't so hoey....YETZER MAHOCUS! Don't feel bad laughing at me. I prefer that. This babylonian empire people gotta function in, it is a well-spring of com-e-dee. Laughing at the ridiculousness of it is a lot more empowering than getting all spooked. And it's way better than smashing up someone's car or some stupid crap.

A witan, a wise one, told me not to go changing. I take her seriously. She said I wouldn't be forgotten. Please let that be true, god of mercy. And *I* said I will not fail you.

Even if they're a bit flipped out from all their problems, an enlightened person is an enlightened person. No, I won't go changing. I am how I am & I've always kinda been this way. In Babylon they call you "gay" when you don't go around fucking everyone. In the old country, they'd call me "goy". In church communities, they call me "ger". The orthodoxes have more respect for gerim. The fairweathers do not. Just is what it is, the orthodoxes come from places where religion is often all people have. In my world, I call myself a dude with a heart. Nothing more, enough with the labels. Best not to self-identify, know what I'm saying? I'll stay right in the weighing station of the Unitarian temple, where people come in messed in the head some from different religions, but still strive for betterment. I'll try to be a beacon there. I've also got to talk to somebody, and not another shrink that just shoves happy pills on me and sends me back to the desert. "Here's a thimble of water, back to the desert. Here's some xanax, back to the desert. Tell me about your problems...hey, why don't you go back to YOUR PEOPLE & be blood martyred some more, back to the desert. You're 24 & saying you're in gehenna? Back to the desert." Hey, why don't you just tell me where I wouldn't be considered strange, wisenheimers? Think I can't handle it, I'm a lowly animal? Could YOU handle THIS. Sheesh, how many little hitlers are created because of this nonsense? If it's a way of LIFE, share what you have of VALUE with people. There used to be two kingdoms, I should point out. Yes, if I'm not there for my FRIENDS, they are not going to be there for ME. Does anyone get what I'm saying? Times are getting tough, people are getting disenchanted, and who do they tend to blame first. Who have they ALWAYS blamed first. All because of some dogmatic mumbo jumbo forced on the faith by some Xtian emperor on his 4th wife not wanting his glorious kingdom overrun by solid values?

I should be more careful what I commit to. I said I would eat shit for who I loved, and I just ate who knows how many years of it. Sharing life with someone, sharing not just joy but sorrow...it's the Romani way. Roma share life, roma view home as people, not so much places..maybe it's a genetic imprint. My mom always had a placard that said "home is where the heart is". All these peoples & ethnicities that comprise us as individuals, their philosophies should be looked into. god IS god. Amgod is not god. I don't care the faith, the dogma is always tweaked a little according to the times we live in. The stories are where the truths lie..that's the best place to hide it, it's less likely to be corrupted there.

When I got back from beautiful bayside to get my car from the home of who I shall only refer to as "AssholeTexts" due to her monicker, Arketekt, I said "I'm worried that I might have hurt someone's spiritual growth"...

What did she say? "That's ridiculous. How can you hurt someone's spiritual growth..." And I'll spare you the rest. That was pretty much the nail on top of the other last nail in her coffin for me. Thinking like that at that age is bad news. That's the way a teenager thinks. If I just want to screw somebody, I say so. If I think they are way better than just for screwing, I simply can't do it. It's an instinct. I'm okay at figuring out who's best to let off steam with & who's best to flee from with a flower on their lapel, but I'm not the Great Manji. I gotta dick! I like it. It likes attent-shun! My heart & my dick sometimes arm wrestle while my brain referees. I like porn and erotica like anyone else with a sex drive, but it's not the end all be all. Porn is like a water fountain & pussy is like an oasis in the desert with coconuts falling on your head now and then. Plonk! "OW!" Fuck me now! "Duh, okay.." Most people at Burninating Man were getting their nut on. Just wasn't my instinct. I'd find a potential "burner buddy" that had a bit of genes ces cois, and one of them AssholeTexts messed up for me, because that's what she does - willfully mess up others' lives..the other was this pretty asian girl from Santa Monica..."Nope. I have personal power, here's a flower for your lapel, move along".

"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And the assholes want to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!" - Team America

Yes, it's a nice limo...now, suck my kawk, Gary!

Where I Am...

..is where I must be at present.

I deleted all my followers. All whopping two of them. Why. Because it'll just seem like a bunch of yetzer hocuscadabra to them.

I said people shouldn't be read like a book. Well, maybe I am a book that should be read by the right people. I've got a lot of funny stories about babylon. Let's just call this "Transmissions From Radio Babylon".

Good? Nobody wants to hear it. So I go nuts. I go "crazy". Wah wah.

I'm packing some boxes with odds & ends, silly stuff like comics, a Betty Boop on a Harley wall clock, etc. A few days ago my mom gives me a gift..it's a Diaries From the Holocaust memorial calender. It's the thought that counts. My poor mom who understands empathy, not so much compassion. A Mad Magazine calender would've cheered me up more. I've already watched like every documentary on the holocaust, I know a lot about it, and I never knew why I did stuff like that..I'll get into why it was I believe I did stuff like that, why I've gravitated to "Strangers" through no conscious effort. Anyway, I find a welding mask that I bought from a pawn shop years ago that I took to a Gwar show to have it signed. It just LOOKED like something Gwar would use in one of their shows..and turns out, hey, the lead singer knows the guy that made the welding mask & in fact he was in Gwar and made a bunch of their props.

Me: Get outta here.

Lead Singer: No, man, for real. His name's yadda yadda, this is a crazy coinkydink! Man, the other guys should see this...YO! Check this out! Can we all sign it? Do you want to play pool?

Me: Does the pope ride in a glass car because everyone wants to empty a clip in his ass? HELL YES.

So, yes, I have a Ghostrider welding mask signed by Gwar. Ebay-a-palooza.

This is Gwar. The music sucks. Cookie monster vocals & forgettable metal. The shows are pretty wild though & they're fun.



I prefer Cookie Mongoloid. Speed metal is more my style.

Strangers, But Not Strange

I went by to see my friend John the other day at the Guitar Center he manages. This is a typical conversation between me and John J:

John: WHOA! There he is! You're still ALIVE? What the..I'm astonished!

Me: Haw. Smart ass. It's only been a couple of months, I got shit to do & you KNOW DIS, MANG!

John: Yeup. Hey, check it out dude, we got this flashy new whizbang thingamajigger that costs like a million dollars & doesn't make you write music any better. But it's dope.

Me: Wow. This is cool. I'm not really feelin music anymore, though. Just been cartooning a lot. Music seems kind of pointless, dude. You rule it at it. I think I should stick to what comes easier. I dunno,sorry..I'm all Lord Bummington up in here.

John: I hear ya. I hardly ever have the time anymore between work, the kids, my brother's flipping out & lost his house, Yvonne won't get a job so we can have some more income coming in...(distracted) aaawww no..ALWAYS someone doing some wheedly-wee metal riff or playing Iron Man...anyway, got some beats for me!?

Me: Yeah. I do as a matter of fact.

John & I came up with an idea for a joke hiphop band called Hearse Snatchaz, that would make fun of Gothic music & rap. Like, silver fangs, Bauhaus medallions, knit caps & Crow makeup. This was years ago. Actually, it was my idea, but John rolled with it. Sometimes just need one person who is like "that is hilarious & worth pulling off". We put together a couple of tracks & we forgot about it. I took a Cure riff from Disintegration & put some grimey beats under it, totally half ass, with a bunch of lyrics dissing goth kids. It was high-larious. But..again, JACKSONVILLE. Nobody gets the joke. I tried to sell it to Lord Vampire who runs the goth night & he didn't find the humor in it. Cmon DJ UberVlad, give us a shot! That's what makes it so great. Those douches can't take a joke. Worst bunch of fashion victims ever, no fun. Crusties that broke into their mom's makeup cabinet.

I, Germ

The church of the sub-subgenius calls someone interested in it a "proselyte", a convert.

In reality, it's a catch 22. Since there's like, only another recluse & a dog that reads my blog anyway, I figure it's okay to point this out. One is not "converted". One is revealed.

Bada bing. Slam bam thank you mam. For the win. And the wiener.

I hate these whiny convert blogs. "Boohooo, they don't like me. Boohoo, I've suffered & been so kind to these people & now they bust my balls, call me a disease, a germ"...buncha wusses. That is not proving self, and one is SUPPOSED to show a little kindness to strangers. That's the code. It's not done for some great reward, it's done because it's right to do. If you play by that code, then you get a greater reward sooner or later: jah's blessings. Life is pain. Life is suffering. Use it. That is what I do, as a dude. I convert pain into..well, this, for one. A buncha rambling that some people find entertaining, and some do not. "It is what it is". This is something I've said often..it's what my best friend & my bro say often..it's something that is eastern in mindset. Shaddup germ crybaby, we all know...shut up and play some frisbee, you are not living, it is a way of living. Here is another good eastern saying: "Is that so"? Beh, most people hassling you can be shut down with three words: "Is that so"? Someone else I know says something similar: "Is that what you'll think I will do"?

Let's take a trip here to the past.

Girlfriend: I'm soo fat. I'm boring & no fun.
Me: Well, then, be fun. When I ask you to go play frisbee with me, don't act all morose & say you can't play frisbee worth a damn. A retarded penguin could play frisbee. (LOok at Me, GUYS, I got muthafuckin flippers Fo hands, I'mma play some FRISBEE) You are a great tennis player, I think frisbee is doable. I'm not the damn McEnroe of frisbee. I don't care if you're chubby, I love ya just the way you are. If YOU don't like being chubby, then do something about it...
Girlfriend: (In one ear, out the other) I don't know. I feel fat & ridiculous. I'm so fat.
Me: Well, you've gained some weight, sure. I'd say you're chubby. Love handles..ridem buckaroo!
Girlfriend: OHMIGOD, YOU'RE SAYING I'M FAT. YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE.
Me: Is that so? (Thinking: URGE TO DRINK RISING. Here's my reward for showing compassion. Yeah, I think you're a hippo! What the fuck else is gonna happen when everytime I buy a gallon of Breyers, the damn thing is destroyed when I come home from work! I LIKE ICE CREAM! CAN I has a LIL TOO!? So, oh, maybe if I tweak this a bit, I'll get some waffle cones..better that way, single servings. NOPE, Destroyed again. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with this sorta shit, trying to make a living of some kind, trying to draw, maybe go out with someone & have a little fun...no can do. I'm gonna SAY all that? NO. I'm going to try to get someone to play frisbee, because that's a helluva lot more fun than being an asshole about some stupid ice cream).

Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU LOOKED AT THAT GIRL'S ASS! YOU WANNA FUCK HER, DON'T YOU!
Guy: No, I'm a dude. We look at asses. That is just what we do. (thinking: Someone else's ass is easier to kick...and to look at).
Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHEBAG! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME! WHO IS SHE! WHO WAS THAT CALL FROM THE OTHER NIGHT!
Guy: It was from some ho that wants me to DJ at shitty club #22.
Girl: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY FUCKED HER, DIDN'T YA?
Guy: Is that so?

"Is that so" is a way of saying: What you believe, if you don't stop believing it, you will believe it into reality. I'd tell her OFTEN she was beautiful. I'd get thoughtful gifts. I'd tell her nice things often. Never good enough. Goddamn, so many people's lives would be better if they understood this shit. I'm a guy. AND, I've always pretty much understood the power of belief. I don't look at an ass thinking I'm am going to be sitting a beer stein on it later on..I look at it because the world's an art museum of asses. Literally & figuratively. Look, but don't touch the picasso, and don't discuss the finer points of abstract art! I am genetically programmed to look at big curvy asses. It's like Terminator vision, with code sequences on a screen: "Search & Destroy: Ass, Tits". Beep boop, 1010101A55. Der Sperminator. "I am looking for Sarah Connor's ass. Gimme address der". My last relationship..wow, ya know, it was constantly this kinda nonsense. Really. WASTE of TIME. Can I AT LEAST, for the love of god, have my damn fantasies that I'm kind enough to keep to myself...get to the point where ya DON'T even wanna bother doing THAT. Here I've been feeling like shit, but I was getting clobbered in that martyrdom relationship. Her dad HATED me, because he was a ritchie rich southern bawww who was always undermining me whenever I'd say "I want to do this, let's make this decision together". WOW. So, after like 4 years of being honest & compassionate, and regretting it over and over...Can you guess what happened?

I cheated.

I felt like total shit for a week or two. Then I came clean. THEN it became "OH I KNEW IT!! ALL ALONG. HOW MANY HOW MANY!" Yes, you are so very right, and I am so very wrong. How many? Just the one & just now. Then I punished myself for about a year and a half. Really, what I SHOULD'VE said was: Yeah, I fucked somebody, and I am going to fuck a girl for everytime you bore false witness against me. If you can't handle the strong fwagwant takashiwa of this test, then go be fat & play tennis & be boring...by yourself. Have a nice life. Stupid martyr bullshit. It's always the shiksa acting like she's made all the sacrifices, while dudes get to have no fun, no peace, no anything, then leave empty & fucked up. Wouldn't go camping. Wouldn't go play frisbee. Didn't want to volunteer at the animal shelter. Would always want to go hobnob at her parents' country club. Wouldn't want to do ANY of the stuff I wanted to do. Gave me shit for months for taking her to the movie New World, which is a pretensious ass movie, sure, but it was different at least. It rolled like poetry with the little dialogue it had, the acting was decent, the 500 Nations costumes were awesome. Damn. So, next time I was like, let's go see something stupid..Predator vs Aliens vs Michael Jackson. Got shit for that one for months too. CAN'T WIN. Go see 300? "Omigod, that was sooo HAWT." Really? That was the most homoerotic historically inaccurate pile of crap ever. No, it was cool, I kid. So..FUCK YOU, JAN. I didn't have rich parents to bail me out with expensive rehab because I was abusing opiates, didn't get to have loads of fun at art college, didn't get free reign to travel the globe with daddy's Delta pass..I've always known intrinsically that if I am not wary of drugs, if I lose control with drinking, I am well fucked. I saw my sister get involved with all that garbage & twaddled around wasting many prime opportunities. My dad tried, got her jobs..he never did any of that crap for me. My dad would say: "I'd get you a surveying position with so&so, but you'd just fuck it up". My sister..shit, he got her a job in his office as a receptionist & she was pulling in like $5K extra a month for his practice. I don't resent my sister, it's harder for girls being so brazen. Here is my sister:

Susan: I wear pants all the time. I guess I'm a big dyke, huh. Pshh...
Me: No, you're just a slob. Get some pants suits already. Can I get some pants suits up in this muthafucka?
Susan: Asshole. Just kidding.
Me: Hey, remember that time that telemarketer called with the magazine subscriptions for like the millioneth time & you went apeshit on her? That was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
Susan: OH, yeah! Wahahaha! "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME!? YOU KNOW I'M BLIND, I CAN'T READ THESE MAGAZINES! I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES TO TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR LIST! WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING MEEE!!! (sob sob) Ohmigod, ohmigod, I'm so sorry miss, so sorry, we'll take it off right now. Ahhahaha
Me: LOL...loveya

Drugs, drugs druuuugs, Sidney. Seen em bring down so many people. I don't care much for them. Pot, beer, a little drinky wink now and then, cool. The other stuff..I'm wary of it. I'm not saying I haven't done things, but I avoid the mendicant drugs. The harder reset stuff isn't bad, but should be used very sparingly.

Grumpy Old Man Spice...the stwong fwagwant takashiwa of a new generation of dudes that are sick of getting no respect in this feminized culture. I like females. I have an X chromosome after all, I see some of myself in ya'll. See the X in me & times that by 3. Bwowchikkabowbow. But I should say this feminized culture is going to get rickrolled by barbarians at the gate if more people don't speak up. I am man, the germ, the disease, the curse of nations. Treat me with respect, I will make your problems my problems. Treat me like a puppy, I will roll over for my belly to be scratched. Treat me like an attack dog, not a dog, & I will crack the skull of all who oppose you. Treat me like shit, like a plague...lesser dudes would become the destroyer of worlds. I just become the destroyer of worms. I use it to destroy the worms eating at my heart.

Man..sometimes it's good when you meet someone that pisses you off in the RIGHT way. Someone that says "Yeah, you are angry. GO BE MAD, it's cool. Write whatever you want. I can and want to take it". Broads that stick their hands in the fires of jericho are deserving of respect. I don't care their flaws.

I don't know if I'll have time to mail anything. But I do have time to leave a lasting record. Breadcrumbs, no more tater tots! TATER TOTS & GIN & KETCHUP, YUM!

We Are All Alone Inside Ourselves

What can really communicate these kinds of feelings? The only thing that ever could for me.

Methode Naturelle, Parkour, Freerunning

I hate exercising. Mainly because it's so robotic and no fun. Walking, bicycling..sure. Sitting there for 45 minutes and doing repetitive motions..WHEN are you EVER going to really do that in LIFE? I used to take martial arts & enjoyed that much more. It's practical. Can some meathead that can bench have the dexterity to climb a tree and get someone's cat? Don't think so. Since I like to go camping sometimes, and like to go to parks often to just be alone and think, I've started doing Methode Naturelle. It's like Parkour, except you aint landing on concrete, climbing buildings, so are less likely to be hassled by cops. Just gotta be careful not to bust ass, cuz there won't be any ambulances coming for you anytime soon. If you aren't familiar with any of this, here's a good primer: