Palmetto Bugs

Saw one earlier tonight, tried to dive bomb me. KARATE CHOP! I think not, time to die. If you don't know what a palmetto bug is, you have likely not lived in a subtropical zone. Here's a good mugshot:


"HI! I'm a disgusting motherfucker who is not only a roach, but a roach that will fly into your face! I went to Al-Jihad Flying Academy! Now pardon me while I snack on your big fat yeast roll."

EH was this ex of mine who treated me like crap, then married some boring shlub who is never around because he's a stockbroker or insurance salesman, something like that. I can tell whenever he's on business trips or she's bored & out with friends, because she drunk texts me two or three times a year. It's no big deal to me, it's casual fare, and funny. She keeps trying to get me to come to San Antonio, says I'd love it there, and I don't doubt it. I think she misses me and regrets how she treated me, still cares. I saw one of these palmetto bugs a couple nights ago & it reminded me of her. Flattering, huh. Here is one of many great EH moments in time:

EH: (Calls me, we talk for a bit, she suddenly goes APESHIT) OMIGOD OMIGOD OOOH EEEEEEEEEE!!! THERE'S A COCKROACH IN HERE & IT'S FLYING, EEEEEEEEEH!'
Me: Whoa whoa calm down! SWAT THAT MUTHA!
EH: (Sobbing) I can't I can't. He has wings...
Me: This is not some X-men genetic mutation. You've lived in FL all your life, you haven't seen a palmetto bug yet? They're kamikazees. That's their JOB. YOUR job is to be the USS Valiant and send that Tojo bastard into the sea before he flies into your deck!
EH: (sob) I can't..EEEEEEEK! Come kill it baby, please come kill it! Omigod EEEEEEEEEEE! (frantic rustling of phone)
Me: Hey. HEY! Sweets, I'm nearly an hour away, it's 12:30 at night. I gotta be up for work in 7 hours. I drive down to St. Augustine, I'm gonna get 5 hours sleep IF I'm lucky. I'm going to see you on the weekend in a couple of days. KILL! (Amityville Horror voice) CATCH HIM/KILL HIM/CATCH HIM/KILL HIM...
EH: (Hysterical crying) EEEEEEEK HE JUST FLEW INTO MY HAIR! (weeping)

Great. D5...you just sank my battleship, stupid bug.

I guess I am a jerk. Really, I was just irritated because she would not say what guys always have to say..what it is we would like. For example: I wish you lived closer. Or "I wish you were here to slay these foul demons of the night for me, brave warrior". Either would suffice. I should've just gone down, killed the baddy, saved the girl, posed for some photos with my leg on top of this colossus of flying doom, then staggered into work in the morning. Was hard for me to be too sympathetic, because when I was a kid in Orlando we lived in a poorly insulated house. Those bastard palmettos were a nuisance. I find a silverfish, a cricket, a lizard, whatever, I grab em and out the door they go..go and do whatever it is you do OUTSIDE. Anything with a bite that causes necrotic fascitis? Summary execution. A roach that's slipped past the Orkin defense net? (rolled up newspaper) SAYONARA, ROBOCOCKROACH!