Christianity is Stupid

Ahaha. Forgot how much I love the Dead Milkmen. Best band ever.

I do not care much for most Xtian denominations. Stupid blood martyr crap, Mr. Perfection, never understood it. Always caught me grief at Sunday school & at Church. I did like this one preacher who would use props and stuff to make points. He gave these two kids in the "Pastor's Pals" club each a penny, and said "here's the most important toy you can have..it says IN GOD WE TRUST, and it's a bible that is always in your pocket". And it was hilarious seeing these two kids standing there looking at him like, "WTF, that suit you're wearing costs $800, you gave the kids last sunday those cool zoetrope things. I trust in god, but this is money. I trust that this one penny is not going to get me one of those badass zoetrope things! Maybe this penny will pry open your cadillac window so I can get me one of those zoomtrope thingajiggers, or I can work and get some more of these pennies, put them in a sock, and hit you over the head with them! ZOMAMATROPE. LORD JESUS HEAR MY CRIES!". There's supposed to be some lost gospel where Jesus acts like a total jerk up until about 13 or 14 years old, using his "magical" powers to mess with people. Hey, right around the time someone would have a bar mitzvah.

I did always like the turn the other cheek thing. Unfortunately, most Xtians assume this to mean turn every cheek over and over again. One cheek, two cheek. Okay, now my ass cheeks. That's not a faith, that's called bondage porn. The turn the other cheek thing is done for perspective, so you don't go acting like a jackass all the time over misunderstandings.


The unitarian faiths that aren't big on trinitarianism are okay. The Catholics have their rituals & iconongraphy & such, do a lot of social programs & charity work. But there's that whole eucharist thing. And the doomsday crap like Fatima's Hand prophecy or whatever. And the whole inquisition/Torquemada thing, and diddling altarboys..why they gotta treat their priests like robots? I don't know about you, but if I had to hear people confessing all the ass they've been getting while I'm in a restricting collar, I'd wanna come home to a five-course meal & about 3 hours of body massage, baby oil & a happy finish. And Transsubstantiation. It's like a horror movie. WHO came UP with that crap? Was Yeshua actually that damn crazy? He couldn't just say: "aw man, guys, I am so screwed. Let's get get plastered on wine & maybe score some, might be my last chance to get laid". Instead, it is "Hey guys, I've got an idea. Um, ya know, I didn't want to be the messiah, but you dumbasses went and said I was, so now I'm fucked. Awesome, thanks so much. So...let's have a last supper before I go get my ass crucified because other people have big mouths. I was just saying, ya know, are some things that gotta change. Anyway, have some of this...".

Paul: Sounds good bawss!
John: Mmmm...wafer cakes!
Jesus: Here ya guys go...
Simon: Wow, this is pretty good.
Jesus: You like it, do ya?..it's MY TAINT! HAW HAW! This is my body, this is my blood, and that is the sweet taste of my ass-to-balls connector. Eat up, foos! That's what you get for calling me messiah & getting me hosed! (jumps on table, endzone dances)

Do they eat up on the booty too? Jesus's ass - It's what's for breakfast. Cannibalism. How does a religion get started from that? I doubt it ever happened. Maybe Jesus really was that Apollonius of Tyana guy, a miserable ass ascetic that waltzed in from Greece & wanted in on some of the YHWH action. Started getting pissed because he couldn't join in on the reindeer games. So, being a lunatic, he started raising hell and tearing everything apart, messing with everyone's mode. Ya know, I'dve probably crucified someone like that too. And I'dve put Mel Gibson over him in a 69 position for good measure, the wife-beating moron. Damn, is ANYTHING sacred? I can't even watch Road Warrior now, it's ruined. Get help, Mel, you are sullying the fine reputation of Mad Max & V-8 interceptors. What was it Groucho Marx said? "I'd never be a member of any club that would have me"? Nope, I'll just be the valet that is always listening & learning..."YESSAW BAWSS! Shit vs. Shinola! GOT IT."

A greek philosopher would be well-versed in the sciences. A greek philosopher would know about tidal changes, sandbars, things like that.

Paul: OH NO, Boss Jesus! We're stuck, god has doomed our humble little boat!
Jesus: (This goombah. It's just a sandbar) Hey guys, LOOK AT THIS, IMMA WALK ON WATER.
John: Whoaaaa...this guy is the deliverer of humanity!
Jesus: I'll be back with help! And some wine & bread. Recognize!

The New Testament is the most confusing, muddled bunch of clusterfug ever written. One guy says Jesus did this, another says Jesus did that, another says, no you're both wrong, he did something else entirely, 4th guy's dog ate his version of events, etc. Then centuries later, a sexually repressed monk spills ink while transcribing Revelations because he's fantasizing about choir boys. Then some bloated douche king like Henry VIII wants to divorce his 12th wife or something, has it changed. And so on and so on and so on. HONK SHEWWWW HONK SHEWWW.

I believe in god. That much is for sure. God of love & mercy..and when it is so required, the god of cleansing fire and of kicking scarabs' asses off my Uriah heap.

Radio Tower of Babylon

Hey hoez that ain't so hoey....YETZER MAHOCUS! Don't feel bad laughing at me. I prefer that. This babylonian empire people gotta function in, it is a well-spring of com-e-dee. Laughing at the ridiculousness of it is a lot more empowering than getting all spooked. And it's way better than smashing up someone's car or some stupid crap.

A witan, a wise one, told me not to go changing. I take her seriously. She said I wouldn't be forgotten. Please let that be true, god of mercy. And *I* said I will not fail you.

Even if they're a bit flipped out from all their problems, an enlightened person is an enlightened person. No, I won't go changing. I am how I am & I've always kinda been this way. In Babylon they call you "gay" when you don't go around fucking everyone. In the old country, they'd call me "goy". In church communities, they call me "ger". The orthodoxes have more respect for gerim. The fairweathers do not. Just is what it is, the orthodoxes come from places where religion is often all people have. In my world, I call myself a dude with a heart. Nothing more, enough with the labels. Best not to self-identify, know what I'm saying? I'll stay right in the weighing station of the Unitarian temple, where people come in messed in the head some from different religions, but still strive for betterment. I'll try to be a beacon there. I've also got to talk to somebody, and not another shrink that just shoves happy pills on me and sends me back to the desert. "Here's a thimble of water, back to the desert. Here's some xanax, back to the desert. Tell me about your problems...hey, why don't you go back to YOUR PEOPLE & be blood martyred some more, back to the desert. You're 24 & saying you're in gehenna? Back to the desert." Hey, why don't you just tell me where I wouldn't be considered strange, wisenheimers? Think I can't handle it, I'm a lowly animal? Could YOU handle THIS. Sheesh, how many little hitlers are created because of this nonsense? If it's a way of LIFE, share what you have of VALUE with people. There used to be two kingdoms, I should point out. Yes, if I'm not there for my FRIENDS, they are not going to be there for ME. Does anyone get what I'm saying? Times are getting tough, people are getting disenchanted, and who do they tend to blame first. Who have they ALWAYS blamed first. All because of some dogmatic mumbo jumbo forced on the faith by some Xtian emperor on his 4th wife not wanting his glorious kingdom overrun by solid values?

I should be more careful what I commit to. I said I would eat shit for who I loved, and I just ate who knows how many years of it. Sharing life with someone, sharing not just joy but sorrow...it's the Romani way. Roma share life, roma view home as people, not so much places..maybe it's a genetic imprint. My mom always had a placard that said "home is where the heart is". All these peoples & ethnicities that comprise us as individuals, their philosophies should be looked into. god IS god. Amgod is not god. I don't care the faith, the dogma is always tweaked a little according to the times we live in. The stories are where the truths lie..that's the best place to hide it, it's less likely to be corrupted there.

When I got back from beautiful bayside to get my car from the home of who I shall only refer to as "AssholeTexts" due to her monicker, Arketekt, I said "I'm worried that I might have hurt someone's spiritual growth"...

What did she say? "That's ridiculous. How can you hurt someone's spiritual growth..." And I'll spare you the rest. That was pretty much the nail on top of the other last nail in her coffin for me. Thinking like that at that age is bad news. That's the way a teenager thinks. If I just want to screw somebody, I say so. If I think they are way better than just for screwing, I simply can't do it. It's an instinct. I'm okay at figuring out who's best to let off steam with & who's best to flee from with a flower on their lapel, but I'm not the Great Manji. I gotta dick! I like it. It likes attent-shun! My heart & my dick sometimes arm wrestle while my brain referees. I like porn and erotica like anyone else with a sex drive, but it's not the end all be all. Porn is like a water fountain & pussy is like an oasis in the desert with coconuts falling on your head now and then. Plonk! "OW!" Fuck me now! "Duh, okay.." Most people at Burninating Man were getting their nut on. Just wasn't my instinct. I'd find a potential "burner buddy" that had a bit of genes ces cois, and one of them AssholeTexts messed up for me, because that's what she does - willfully mess up others' lives..the other was this pretty asian girl from Santa Monica..."Nope. I have personal power, here's a flower for your lapel, move along".

"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And the assholes want to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!" - Team America

Yes, it's a nice limo...now, suck my kawk, Gary!

Where I Am...

..is where I must be at present.

I deleted all my followers. All whopping two of them. Why. Because it'll just seem like a bunch of yetzer hocuscadabra to them.

I said people shouldn't be read like a book. Well, maybe I am a book that should be read by the right people. I've got a lot of funny stories about babylon. Let's just call this "Transmissions From Radio Babylon".

Good? Nobody wants to hear it. So I go nuts. I go "crazy". Wah wah.

I'm packing some boxes with odds & ends, silly stuff like comics, a Betty Boop on a Harley wall clock, etc. A few days ago my mom gives me a gift..it's a Diaries From the Holocaust memorial calender. It's the thought that counts. My poor mom who understands empathy, not so much compassion. A Mad Magazine calender would've cheered me up more. I've already watched like every documentary on the holocaust, I know a lot about it, and I never knew why I did stuff like that..I'll get into why it was I believe I did stuff like that, why I've gravitated to "Strangers" through no conscious effort. Anyway, I find a welding mask that I bought from a pawn shop years ago that I took to a Gwar show to have it signed. It just LOOKED like something Gwar would use in one of their shows..and turns out, hey, the lead singer knows the guy that made the welding mask & in fact he was in Gwar and made a bunch of their props.

Me: Get outta here.

Lead Singer: No, man, for real. His name's yadda yadda, this is a crazy coinkydink! Man, the other guys should see this...YO! Check this out! Can we all sign it? Do you want to play pool?

Me: Does the pope ride in a glass car because everyone wants to empty a clip in his ass? HELL YES.

So, yes, I have a Ghostrider welding mask signed by Gwar. Ebay-a-palooza.

This is Gwar. The music sucks. Cookie monster vocals & forgettable metal. The shows are pretty wild though & they're fun.



I prefer Cookie Mongoloid. Speed metal is more my style.

Strangers, But Not Strange

I went by to see my friend John the other day at the Guitar Center he manages. This is a typical conversation between me and John J:

John: WHOA! There he is! You're still ALIVE? What the..I'm astonished!

Me: Haw. Smart ass. It's only been a couple of months, I got shit to do & you KNOW DIS, MANG!

John: Yeup. Hey, check it out dude, we got this flashy new whizbang thingamajigger that costs like a million dollars & doesn't make you write music any better. But it's dope.

Me: Wow. This is cool. I'm not really feelin music anymore, though. Just been cartooning a lot. Music seems kind of pointless, dude. You rule it at it. I think I should stick to what comes easier. I dunno,sorry..I'm all Lord Bummington up in here.

John: I hear ya. I hardly ever have the time anymore between work, the kids, my brother's flipping out & lost his house, Yvonne won't get a job so we can have some more income coming in...(distracted) aaawww no..ALWAYS someone doing some wheedly-wee metal riff or playing Iron Man...anyway, got some beats for me!?

Me: Yeah. I do as a matter of fact.

John & I came up with an idea for a joke hiphop band called Hearse Snatchaz, that would make fun of Gothic music & rap. Like, silver fangs, Bauhaus medallions, knit caps & Crow makeup. This was years ago. Actually, it was my idea, but John rolled with it. Sometimes just need one person who is like "that is hilarious & worth pulling off". We put together a couple of tracks & we forgot about it. I took a Cure riff from Disintegration & put some grimey beats under it, totally half ass, with a bunch of lyrics dissing goth kids. It was high-larious. But..again, JACKSONVILLE. Nobody gets the joke. I tried to sell it to Lord Vampire who runs the goth night & he didn't find the humor in it. Cmon DJ UberVlad, give us a shot! That's what makes it so great. Those douches can't take a joke. Worst bunch of fashion victims ever, no fun. Crusties that broke into their mom's makeup cabinet.

I, Germ

The church of the sub-subgenius calls someone interested in it a "proselyte", a convert.

In reality, it's a catch 22. Since there's like, only another recluse & a dog that reads my blog anyway, I figure it's okay to point this out. One is not "converted". One is revealed.

Bada bing. Slam bam thank you mam. For the win. And the wiener.

I hate these whiny convert blogs. "Boohooo, they don't like me. Boohoo, I've suffered & been so kind to these people & now they bust my balls, call me a disease, a germ"...buncha wusses. That is not proving self, and one is SUPPOSED to show a little kindness to strangers. That's the code. It's not done for some great reward, it's done because it's right to do. If you play by that code, then you get a greater reward sooner or later: jah's blessings. Life is pain. Life is suffering. Use it. That is what I do, as a dude. I convert pain into..well, this, for one. A buncha rambling that some people find entertaining, and some do not. "It is what it is". This is something I've said often..it's what my best friend & my bro say often..it's something that is eastern in mindset. Shaddup germ crybaby, we all know...shut up and play some frisbee, you are not living, it is a way of living. Here is another good eastern saying: "Is that so"? Beh, most people hassling you can be shut down with three words: "Is that so"? Someone else I know says something similar: "Is that what you'll think I will do"?

Let's take a trip here to the past.

Girlfriend: I'm soo fat. I'm boring & no fun.
Me: Well, then, be fun. When I ask you to go play frisbee with me, don't act all morose & say you can't play frisbee worth a damn. A retarded penguin could play frisbee. (LOok at Me, GUYS, I got muthafuckin flippers Fo hands, I'mma play some FRISBEE) You are a great tennis player, I think frisbee is doable. I'm not the damn McEnroe of frisbee. I don't care if you're chubby, I love ya just the way you are. If YOU don't like being chubby, then do something about it...
Girlfriend: (In one ear, out the other) I don't know. I feel fat & ridiculous. I'm so fat.
Me: Well, you've gained some weight, sure. I'd say you're chubby. Love handles..ridem buckaroo!
Girlfriend: OHMIGOD, YOU'RE SAYING I'M FAT. YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE.
Me: Is that so? (Thinking: URGE TO DRINK RISING. Here's my reward for showing compassion. Yeah, I think you're a hippo! What the fuck else is gonna happen when everytime I buy a gallon of Breyers, the damn thing is destroyed when I come home from work! I LIKE ICE CREAM! CAN I has a LIL TOO!? So, oh, maybe if I tweak this a bit, I'll get some waffle cones..better that way, single servings. NOPE, Destroyed again. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with this sorta shit, trying to make a living of some kind, trying to draw, maybe go out with someone & have a little fun...no can do. I'm gonna SAY all that? NO. I'm going to try to get someone to play frisbee, because that's a helluva lot more fun than being an asshole about some stupid ice cream).

Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU LOOKED AT THAT GIRL'S ASS! YOU WANNA FUCK HER, DON'T YOU!
Guy: No, I'm a dude. We look at asses. That is just what we do. (thinking: Someone else's ass is easier to kick...and to look at).
Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHEBAG! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME! WHO IS SHE! WHO WAS THAT CALL FROM THE OTHER NIGHT!
Guy: It was from some ho that wants me to DJ at shitty club #22.
Girl: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY FUCKED HER, DIDN'T YA?
Guy: Is that so?

"Is that so" is a way of saying: What you believe, if you don't stop believing it, you will believe it into reality. I'd tell her OFTEN she was beautiful. I'd get thoughtful gifts. I'd tell her nice things often. Never good enough. Goddamn, so many people's lives would be better if they understood this shit. I'm a guy. AND, I've always pretty much understood the power of belief. I don't look at an ass thinking I'm am going to be sitting a beer stein on it later on..I look at it because the world's an art museum of asses. Literally & figuratively. Look, but don't touch the picasso, and don't discuss the finer points of abstract art! I am genetically programmed to look at big curvy asses. It's like Terminator vision, with code sequences on a screen: "Search & Destroy: Ass, Tits". Beep boop, 1010101A55. Der Sperminator. "I am looking for Sarah Connor's ass. Gimme address der". My last relationship..wow, ya know, it was constantly this kinda nonsense. Really. WASTE of TIME. Can I AT LEAST, for the love of god, have my damn fantasies that I'm kind enough to keep to myself...get to the point where ya DON'T even wanna bother doing THAT. Here I've been feeling like shit, but I was getting clobbered in that martyrdom relationship. Her dad HATED me, because he was a ritchie rich southern bawww who was always undermining me whenever I'd say "I want to do this, let's make this decision together". WOW. So, after like 4 years of being honest & compassionate, and regretting it over and over...Can you guess what happened?

I cheated.

I felt like total shit for a week or two. Then I came clean. THEN it became "OH I KNEW IT!! ALL ALONG. HOW MANY HOW MANY!" Yes, you are so very right, and I am so very wrong. How many? Just the one & just now. Then I punished myself for about a year and a half. Really, what I SHOULD'VE said was: Yeah, I fucked somebody, and I am going to fuck a girl for everytime you bore false witness against me. If you can't handle the strong fwagwant takashiwa of this test, then go be fat & play tennis & be boring...by yourself. Have a nice life. Stupid martyr bullshit. It's always the shiksa acting like she's made all the sacrifices, while dudes get to have no fun, no peace, no anything, then leave empty & fucked up. Wouldn't go camping. Wouldn't go play frisbee. Didn't want to volunteer at the animal shelter. Would always want to go hobnob at her parents' country club. Wouldn't want to do ANY of the stuff I wanted to do. Gave me shit for months for taking her to the movie New World, which is a pretensious ass movie, sure, but it was different at least. It rolled like poetry with the little dialogue it had, the acting was decent, the 500 Nations costumes were awesome. Damn. So, next time I was like, let's go see something stupid..Predator vs Aliens vs Michael Jackson. Got shit for that one for months too. CAN'T WIN. Go see 300? "Omigod, that was sooo HAWT." Really? That was the most homoerotic historically inaccurate pile of crap ever. No, it was cool, I kid. So..FUCK YOU, JAN. I didn't have rich parents to bail me out with expensive rehab because I was abusing opiates, didn't get to have loads of fun at art college, didn't get free reign to travel the globe with daddy's Delta pass..I've always known intrinsically that if I am not wary of drugs, if I lose control with drinking, I am well fucked. I saw my sister get involved with all that garbage & twaddled around wasting many prime opportunities. My dad tried, got her jobs..he never did any of that crap for me. My dad would say: "I'd get you a surveying position with so&so, but you'd just fuck it up". My sister..shit, he got her a job in his office as a receptionist & she was pulling in like $5K extra a month for his practice. I don't resent my sister, it's harder for girls being so brazen. Here is my sister:

Susan: I wear pants all the time. I guess I'm a big dyke, huh. Pshh...
Me: No, you're just a slob. Get some pants suits already. Can I get some pants suits up in this muthafucka?
Susan: Asshole. Just kidding.
Me: Hey, remember that time that telemarketer called with the magazine subscriptions for like the millioneth time & you went apeshit on her? That was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
Susan: OH, yeah! Wahahaha! "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME!? YOU KNOW I'M BLIND, I CAN'T READ THESE MAGAZINES! I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES TO TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR LIST! WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING MEEE!!! (sob sob) Ohmigod, ohmigod, I'm so sorry miss, so sorry, we'll take it off right now. Ahhahaha
Me: LOL...loveya

Drugs, drugs druuuugs, Sidney. Seen em bring down so many people. I don't care much for them. Pot, beer, a little drinky wink now and then, cool. The other stuff..I'm wary of it. I'm not saying I haven't done things, but I avoid the mendicant drugs. The harder reset stuff isn't bad, but should be used very sparingly.

Grumpy Old Man Spice...the stwong fwagwant takashiwa of a new generation of dudes that are sick of getting no respect in this feminized culture. I like females. I have an X chromosome after all, I see some of myself in ya'll. See the X in me & times that by 3. Bwowchikkabowbow. But I should say this feminized culture is going to get rickrolled by barbarians at the gate if more people don't speak up. I am man, the germ, the disease, the curse of nations. Treat me with respect, I will make your problems my problems. Treat me like a puppy, I will roll over for my belly to be scratched. Treat me like an attack dog, not a dog, & I will crack the skull of all who oppose you. Treat me like shit, like a plague...lesser dudes would become the destroyer of worlds. I just become the destroyer of worms. I use it to destroy the worms eating at my heart.

Man..sometimes it's good when you meet someone that pisses you off in the RIGHT way. Someone that says "Yeah, you are angry. GO BE MAD, it's cool. Write whatever you want. I can and want to take it". Broads that stick their hands in the fires of jericho are deserving of respect. I don't care their flaws.

I don't know if I'll have time to mail anything. But I do have time to leave a lasting record. Breadcrumbs, no more tater tots! TATER TOTS & GIN & KETCHUP, YUM!