Christianity is Stupid

Ahaha. Forgot how much I love the Dead Milkmen. Best band ever.

I do not care much for most Xtian denominations. Stupid blood martyr crap, Mr. Perfection, never understood it. Always caught me grief at Sunday school & at Church. I did like this one preacher who would use props and stuff to make points. He gave these two kids in the "Pastor's Pals" club each a penny, and said "here's the most important toy you can have..it says IN GOD WE TRUST, and it's a bible that is always in your pocket". And it was hilarious seeing these two kids standing there looking at him like, "WTF, that suit you're wearing costs $800, you gave the kids last sunday those cool zoetrope things. I trust in god, but this is money. I trust that this one penny is not going to get me one of those badass zoetrope things! Maybe this penny will pry open your cadillac window so I can get me one of those zoomtrope thingajiggers, or I can work and get some more of these pennies, put them in a sock, and hit you over the head with them! ZOMAMATROPE. LORD JESUS HEAR MY CRIES!". There's supposed to be some lost gospel where Jesus acts like a total jerk up until about 13 or 14 years old, using his "magical" powers to mess with people. Hey, right around the time someone would have a bar mitzvah.

I did always like the turn the other cheek thing. Unfortunately, most Xtians assume this to mean turn every cheek over and over again. One cheek, two cheek. Okay, now my ass cheeks. That's not a faith, that's called bondage porn. The turn the other cheek thing is done for perspective, so you don't go acting like a jackass all the time over misunderstandings.


The unitarian faiths that aren't big on trinitarianism are okay. The Catholics have their rituals & iconongraphy & such, do a lot of social programs & charity work. But there's that whole eucharist thing. And the doomsday crap like Fatima's Hand prophecy or whatever. And the whole inquisition/Torquemada thing, and diddling altarboys..why they gotta treat their priests like robots? I don't know about you, but if I had to hear people confessing all the ass they've been getting while I'm in a restricting collar, I'd wanna come home to a five-course meal & about 3 hours of body massage, baby oil & a happy finish. And Transsubstantiation. It's like a horror movie. WHO came UP with that crap? Was Yeshua actually that damn crazy? He couldn't just say: "aw man, guys, I am so screwed. Let's get get plastered on wine & maybe score some, might be my last chance to get laid". Instead, it is "Hey guys, I've got an idea. Um, ya know, I didn't want to be the messiah, but you dumbasses went and said I was, so now I'm fucked. Awesome, thanks so much. So...let's have a last supper before I go get my ass crucified because other people have big mouths. I was just saying, ya know, are some things that gotta change. Anyway, have some of this...".

Paul: Sounds good bawss!
John: Mmmm...wafer cakes!
Jesus: Here ya guys go...
Simon: Wow, this is pretty good.
Jesus: You like it, do ya?..it's MY TAINT! HAW HAW! This is my body, this is my blood, and that is the sweet taste of my ass-to-balls connector. Eat up, foos! That's what you get for calling me messiah & getting me hosed! (jumps on table, endzone dances)

Do they eat up on the booty too? Jesus's ass - It's what's for breakfast. Cannibalism. How does a religion get started from that? I doubt it ever happened. Maybe Jesus really was that Apollonius of Tyana guy, a miserable ass ascetic that waltzed in from Greece & wanted in on some of the YHWH action. Started getting pissed because he couldn't join in on the reindeer games. So, being a lunatic, he started raising hell and tearing everything apart, messing with everyone's mode. Ya know, I'dve probably crucified someone like that too. And I'dve put Mel Gibson over him in a 69 position for good measure, the wife-beating moron. Damn, is ANYTHING sacred? I can't even watch Road Warrior now, it's ruined. Get help, Mel, you are sullying the fine reputation of Mad Max & V-8 interceptors. What was it Groucho Marx said? "I'd never be a member of any club that would have me"? Nope, I'll just be the valet that is always listening & learning..."YESSAW BAWSS! Shit vs. Shinola! GOT IT."

A greek philosopher would be well-versed in the sciences. A greek philosopher would know about tidal changes, sandbars, things like that.

Paul: OH NO, Boss Jesus! We're stuck, god has doomed our humble little boat!
Jesus: (This goombah. It's just a sandbar) Hey guys, LOOK AT THIS, IMMA WALK ON WATER.
John: Whoaaaa...this guy is the deliverer of humanity!
Jesus: I'll be back with help! And some wine & bread. Recognize!

The New Testament is the most confusing, muddled bunch of clusterfug ever written. One guy says Jesus did this, another says Jesus did that, another says, no you're both wrong, he did something else entirely, 4th guy's dog ate his version of events, etc. Then centuries later, a sexually repressed monk spills ink while transcribing Revelations because he's fantasizing about choir boys. Then some bloated douche king like Henry VIII wants to divorce his 12th wife or something, has it changed. And so on and so on and so on. HONK SHEWWWW HONK SHEWWW.

I believe in god. That much is for sure. God of love & mercy..and when it is so required, the god of cleansing fire and of kicking scarabs' asses off my Uriah heap.