I, Germ

The church of the sub-subgenius calls someone interested in it a "proselyte", a convert.

In reality, it's a catch 22. Since there's like, only another recluse & a dog that reads my blog anyway, I figure it's okay to point this out. One is not "converted". One is revealed.

Bada bing. Slam bam thank you mam. For the win. And the wiener.

I hate these whiny convert blogs. "Boohooo, they don't like me. Boohoo, I've suffered & been so kind to these people & now they bust my balls, call me a disease, a germ"...buncha wusses. That is not proving self, and one is SUPPOSED to show a little kindness to strangers. That's the code. It's not done for some great reward, it's done because it's right to do. If you play by that code, then you get a greater reward sooner or later: jah's blessings. Life is pain. Life is suffering. Use it. That is what I do, as a dude. I convert pain into..well, this, for one. A buncha rambling that some people find entertaining, and some do not. "It is what it is". This is something I've said often..it's what my best friend & my bro say often..it's something that is eastern in mindset. Shaddup germ crybaby, we all know...shut up and play some frisbee, you are not living, it is a way of living. Here is another good eastern saying: "Is that so"? Beh, most people hassling you can be shut down with three words: "Is that so"? Someone else I know says something similar: "Is that what you'll think I will do"?

Let's take a trip here to the past.

Girlfriend: I'm soo fat. I'm boring & no fun.
Me: Well, then, be fun. When I ask you to go play frisbee with me, don't act all morose & say you can't play frisbee worth a damn. A retarded penguin could play frisbee. (LOok at Me, GUYS, I got muthafuckin flippers Fo hands, I'mma play some FRISBEE) You are a great tennis player, I think frisbee is doable. I'm not the damn McEnroe of frisbee. I don't care if you're chubby, I love ya just the way you are. If YOU don't like being chubby, then do something about it...
Girlfriend: (In one ear, out the other) I don't know. I feel fat & ridiculous. I'm so fat.
Me: Well, you've gained some weight, sure. I'd say you're chubby. Love handles..ridem buckaroo!
Girlfriend: OHMIGOD, YOU'RE SAYING I'M FAT. YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHE.
Me: Is that so? (Thinking: URGE TO DRINK RISING. Here's my reward for showing compassion. Yeah, I think you're a hippo! What the fuck else is gonna happen when everytime I buy a gallon of Breyers, the damn thing is destroyed when I come home from work! I LIKE ICE CREAM! CAN I has a LIL TOO!? So, oh, maybe if I tweak this a bit, I'll get some waffle cones..better that way, single servings. NOPE, Destroyed again. Meanwhile, I'm dealing with this sorta shit, trying to make a living of some kind, trying to draw, maybe go out with someone & have a little fun...no can do. I'm gonna SAY all that? NO. I'm going to try to get someone to play frisbee, because that's a helluva lot more fun than being an asshole about some stupid ice cream).

Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU LOOKED AT THAT GIRL'S ASS! YOU WANNA FUCK HER, DON'T YOU!
Guy: No, I'm a dude. We look at asses. That is just what we do. (thinking: Someone else's ass is easier to kick...and to look at).
Girl: OHMIGOD, YOU ARE SUCH A DOUCHEBAG! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME! WHO IS SHE! WHO WAS THAT CALL FROM THE OTHER NIGHT!
Guy: It was from some ho that wants me to DJ at shitty club #22.
Girl: YEAH, YOU PROBABLY FUCKED HER, DIDN'T YA?
Guy: Is that so?

"Is that so" is a way of saying: What you believe, if you don't stop believing it, you will believe it into reality. I'd tell her OFTEN she was beautiful. I'd get thoughtful gifts. I'd tell her nice things often. Never good enough. Goddamn, so many people's lives would be better if they understood this shit. I'm a guy. AND, I've always pretty much understood the power of belief. I don't look at an ass thinking I'm am going to be sitting a beer stein on it later on..I look at it because the world's an art museum of asses. Literally & figuratively. Look, but don't touch the picasso, and don't discuss the finer points of abstract art! I am genetically programmed to look at big curvy asses. It's like Terminator vision, with code sequences on a screen: "Search & Destroy: Ass, Tits". Beep boop, 1010101A55. Der Sperminator. "I am looking for Sarah Connor's ass. Gimme address der". My last relationship..wow, ya know, it was constantly this kinda nonsense. Really. WASTE of TIME. Can I AT LEAST, for the love of god, have my damn fantasies that I'm kind enough to keep to myself...get to the point where ya DON'T even wanna bother doing THAT. Here I've been feeling like shit, but I was getting clobbered in that martyrdom relationship. Her dad HATED me, because he was a ritchie rich southern bawww who was always undermining me whenever I'd say "I want to do this, let's make this decision together". WOW. So, after like 4 years of being honest & compassionate, and regretting it over and over...Can you guess what happened?

I cheated.

I felt like total shit for a week or two. Then I came clean. THEN it became "OH I KNEW IT!! ALL ALONG. HOW MANY HOW MANY!" Yes, you are so very right, and I am so very wrong. How many? Just the one & just now. Then I punished myself for about a year and a half. Really, what I SHOULD'VE said was: Yeah, I fucked somebody, and I am going to fuck a girl for everytime you bore false witness against me. If you can't handle the strong fwagwant takashiwa of this test, then go be fat & play tennis & be boring...by yourself. Have a nice life. Stupid martyr bullshit. It's always the shiksa acting like she's made all the sacrifices, while dudes get to have no fun, no peace, no anything, then leave empty & fucked up. Wouldn't go camping. Wouldn't go play frisbee. Didn't want to volunteer at the animal shelter. Would always want to go hobnob at her parents' country club. Wouldn't want to do ANY of the stuff I wanted to do. Gave me shit for months for taking her to the movie New World, which is a pretensious ass movie, sure, but it was different at least. It rolled like poetry with the little dialogue it had, the acting was decent, the 500 Nations costumes were awesome. Damn. So, next time I was like, let's go see something stupid..Predator vs Aliens vs Michael Jackson. Got shit for that one for months too. CAN'T WIN. Go see 300? "Omigod, that was sooo HAWT." Really? That was the most homoerotic historically inaccurate pile of crap ever. No, it was cool, I kid. So..FUCK YOU, JAN. I didn't have rich parents to bail me out with expensive rehab because I was abusing opiates, didn't get to have loads of fun at art college, didn't get free reign to travel the globe with daddy's Delta pass..I've always known intrinsically that if I am not wary of drugs, if I lose control with drinking, I am well fucked. I saw my sister get involved with all that garbage & twaddled around wasting many prime opportunities. My dad tried, got her jobs..he never did any of that crap for me. My dad would say: "I'd get you a surveying position with so&so, but you'd just fuck it up". My sister..shit, he got her a job in his office as a receptionist & she was pulling in like $5K extra a month for his practice. I don't resent my sister, it's harder for girls being so brazen. Here is my sister:

Susan: I wear pants all the time. I guess I'm a big dyke, huh. Pshh...
Me: No, you're just a slob. Get some pants suits already. Can I get some pants suits up in this muthafucka?
Susan: Asshole. Just kidding.
Me: Hey, remember that time that telemarketer called with the magazine subscriptions for like the millioneth time & you went apeshit on her? That was one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
Susan: OH, yeah! Wahahaha! "WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME!? YOU KNOW I'M BLIND, I CAN'T READ THESE MAGAZINES! I TOLD YOU SEVERAL TIMES TO TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR LIST! WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING MEEE!!! (sob sob) Ohmigod, ohmigod, I'm so sorry miss, so sorry, we'll take it off right now. Ahhahaha
Me: LOL...loveya

Drugs, drugs druuuugs, Sidney. Seen em bring down so many people. I don't care much for them. Pot, beer, a little drinky wink now and then, cool. The other stuff..I'm wary of it. I'm not saying I haven't done things, but I avoid the mendicant drugs. The harder reset stuff isn't bad, but should be used very sparingly.

Grumpy Old Man Spice...the stwong fwagwant takashiwa of a new generation of dudes that are sick of getting no respect in this feminized culture. I like females. I have an X chromosome after all, I see some of myself in ya'll. See the X in me & times that by 3. Bwowchikkabowbow. But I should say this feminized culture is going to get rickrolled by barbarians at the gate if more people don't speak up. I am man, the germ, the disease, the curse of nations. Treat me with respect, I will make your problems my problems. Treat me like a puppy, I will roll over for my belly to be scratched. Treat me like an attack dog, not a dog, & I will crack the skull of all who oppose you. Treat me like shit, like a plague...lesser dudes would become the destroyer of worlds. I just become the destroyer of worms. I use it to destroy the worms eating at my heart.

Man..sometimes it's good when you meet someone that pisses you off in the RIGHT way. Someone that says "Yeah, you are angry. GO BE MAD, it's cool. Write whatever you want. I can and want to take it". Broads that stick their hands in the fires of jericho are deserving of respect. I don't care their flaws.

I don't know if I'll have time to mail anything. But I do have time to leave a lasting record. Breadcrumbs, no more tater tots! TATER TOTS & GIN & KETCHUP, YUM!