Social Work

For a bit, I volunteered at an animal shelter. That was heartbreaking sometimes, but easy. Animals don't talk. This is good.

When I worked for the library system, that was like full-time social work.

I'd help with programs for kids. I'd do displays with kids books and stuff like that, pretty fun. I'd do programs for senior citizens to kind of break up the drudgery. Now, THAT was capital C Cool. I like the old folks. They're easy to deal with, believe it or not. They're no bullshit people. I dig that. AND, I'd do stuff like "Web Surfing 101" to show them how to create an email account, how to find contacts, how to use the url bar & web browser..even how to use a mouse and basic computer skills. They're like little kids at an amusement park with that stuff. I'd use the analogy that a computer was sort of like a desk..there was a workspace, the "DESKTOP", then there were drawers, the partitions and drives. Man, it was like A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court.

Old Lady: What do these buttons on the mouse do?
Me: Depending on what program you are using, it selects. If you are holding it over a program and double click, it opens the program. In the internet browser we're using, the left one selects whatever you are holding it on. This underlined text is a link. If you want to go to that page, you hold the mouse cursor over it...
Old Lady: Ooooh
Me: Then use the left mouse button to open it...
Old Lady: Aaaah. You are a smart young man. Where did you learn this magic, wondrous being from outer space? What does the right button do?
Me: That is the options button. If you are on a link and say, you don't want to lose the page you're on, want to open a NEW window, you click that button..
Old Folks: OOOOOH. (murmuring & chatter)
Me: NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK, ROCKY, WATCH ME PULL A RABBIT OUT OF THIS HAT!

Sometimes schizophrenics would come in. What a trip they can be. I would usually be the one to deal with them, as I am a bit crazy myself. I'd get the Spanish speakers too, because nobody else even spoke the least bit of espanol. The schizos, they get on their helltrips, believe black helicopters are out to get them, or everyone is out to get them..on the latter, they are often not too far off. WHATEVER crazy shit they'd be telling me, I'd nod my head, be sympathetic, take them seriously. That would calm them down, just someone taking the abject terror they are always in seriously.

I had my life threatened on several occasions by thugs or crazy people. A few times I'd walk into the lavatory and there'd be a homeless dude shaving or something. No problem, just don't leave a mess, I would say. The WORST ever was this beautiful, smart chick that came in who I was interested in. Hey, I was a single guy, she liked me, after a few times of flirting with her, it was time to make a move...she went off into the stacks to find a book I'd given her the Dewey on, and I did the ole eyebrow swipe waiting for her to come back. A minute or so later..

Girl: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! THIS IS A PUBLIC LIBRARY!! Omigod, he is PLAYING WITH HIMSELF!
I run over there and some old Abe Begoda dude is shuffling off...
Abe Begoda: I'm sorry. (murmer murmer) It's a medical condition...
Me: You got about 5 seconds to get the hell out of here before I give you a REAL medical condition.
The girl left a minute later after one of the ladies consoled her. She was sobbing, terrified. Never saw her again. I can't ever watch fucking Barney Miller because of that guy. Jesus. Every time, some asshole has to mess with my game. Should've castrated that guy.."Consider your medical condition healed". Hesus, they sell porno tapes for a reason. Oh, I also loved the occasional guy that would come in and use the internet computers to print off incredibly graphic images of porn, totally oblivious that there's anything socially irresponsible about doing that. Wait right there, pal, I've got a cop & a restraining order on the way.

The kids were the hardest for me. I was one of TWO guys that worked there, three at the most...who was usually tasked to be bad guy for these kids, let them know even we, the public library, did not want them? YOU GUESSED IT. You think the biddys wanted to do that crap? Sometimes they would if I wasn't handy. Another time this kid was outside, cursing up a storm. Was like that scene in Flatliners where Kevin Bacon gets his ass chewed by the spectre of the little black girl he and his friends teased...

Me: Hey there buddy, what's up. You okay?
Lil Black Kid: CRACKER ASS, FLAT SKULLED, POCKETY-PANTS LIMPDICKED MUTHAFUCKA!
Me: Oh. Why good day to you too, young man. YOU STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, YOU CONTAMINATED THE STERILE CEILING WHICH NOW HAS TO BE DECONTAMINATED..I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

Always these parents would drop their kids off and just leave them there, for HOURS. On school days, there'd be kids in there...I KNOW this is a school day, why am I the only one gives a crap? Not library policy, huh. Diffusion of responsibility. I'd grill them. "Oh, I got suspended for two weeks". Great. 90% of them, would they come in and read a book? HELL NO! They'd come and play video games on the computer. When their time was up, off to sit at a table and wreck havoc. HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA..THERE'S ALL THESE BOOKS IN HERE, WHY DON'T YOU READ ONE. "Oh. Ok. Hey, this book is pretty good". BAM! Thank you. Yes it is. "Is it my time to get on the puter yet"? (Face:palm) Shit, I LOVED the library in the podunk burgh I grew up in. "Ah, the quiet sanctuary of the musty lyeberry..the card drawers, the old smell. The fragrant takashiwa of little ole lady libarians that dress like pastel nuns. This is tranquility." 1st offense is Sh! 2nd is Shhh! 3rd is SHHHHHH! A library in a major city though is a damn daycare for the disadvantaged. Freaking romper room. I lost count of the times I'd be there like 30 minutes past close, off the clock, waiting for some parent to come for them. The unwanteds & undesirables.

Me: So..is your mommy coming?
Kid: I dunno. She at work or somethin. She said she be here.
Me: What about your daddy.
Kid: (Shrug) He in jail. She got a boyfriend now.

I did social programs in Christian Academy & at church. And I did it for years working & volunteering for JPL. All these people that don't/can't/won't have kids...well, I can relate. But since there's all these little kids that don't have any role models, and since they didn't really ask to be born, maybe some of our cornfed, uppercrust spoiled asses could spare a day or two a month to take them fishing or to see a movie about tapdancing dogs. I don't know.

Lieberry. Me and this hilarious gay dude, Mark, would make fun of the way one of the other Library Assistant would say library.

Me: Hey Mark, you got any o dose lieberries? I am hun-gary.
Mark: I dunno, why lemmie see! YES, I picked em just now (feigns pulling something out of his ass, razz tongue) BRRRRPPPP!

Often a dumbass would clog the toilet up with paper towels. Ya know, there'd be a FULL ROLL of toilet paper RIGHT THERE..paper towels in the toilet. I'd grab the plunger from the employee breakroom, but the head librarian would say "No no, that's maintenance's job. Let's call them".

Awww YEAH, It's Motel time!

Motel was this old Russian immigrant. Really cool guy, I wish I'd recorded alot of the stuff he'd say. He preferred to be called Mark, so I did. 30 minutes or so later, in would saunter Motel. He'd go in the bathroom, then waltz out plunger in hand.."Whew! Okiedokie. Sheet gone now, no more sheet! Hard job! Heehee". Always a glimmer in that guy's eye. He'd go sit at the breakroom table for 10 or 15 minutes and I'd grab him something to drink. "Oyayee, my back. Dey always say Americans vin vorld var two. Not true. You know what vin vorld var two? RUSSIAN WODKA! German blood FREEZE UP in vinter! Wodka keep blood VARM!" Haha. True. Frozen like teutonic totems at Stalingrad & Kursk.