War!

I wrote this awhiles back, I'll put it up...

This country loves a war.

War Against Terror (How can you fight a concept)

War of The Sexes (I feel the same things, can we cut the crap)

War in Afghanistan & Iraq (Have any of these schmucks in charge read Sun Tzu? How many fronts are we going to fight on here?)

And...War Against (Some) Drugs. Well, the drugs that don't make the right people money. That's what it should be called. The War Against Drugs That We Can't Advertise On TV or Patent. I do like weed okay. It calms me down, makes me easier to deal with, makes it easier for me to deal with people when I know a place.

When I was a skinny lil smart ass, my family made me take my savings and use it to go to Malaysia with my brother. "Oh, you need to have more appreciation for this country. Go & see what poverty REALLY is". I live here, not in one of these third world miasmas, but thank you. I wanted to go to Serbia, Romania, Ukraine, etc.

My brother: "Eastern Europe? Why you want to go there? Boring & rundown."
Me: "It's the old country! Kiev, Lublijana, Sarajevo..these are gorgeous old world cities with a lot of history."
My brother: "Naw, you'll love Malaysia. Island resorts are the same price per day as a Motel 8 is here."

The beach, man, BEACH! It's where land meets water. BFD. I like the beach, but people lose their shit over it too much. There are nice beaches in the states, and there's plenty of coral reefs in the Keys to snorkel over & fuck up. I'm out there, floating over some coral, and I care less about the school of reef sharks nearby feeding than I do about the coral I just snapped off with a fin. I could see other spots where tourists had broken the reef.

Anyway, I go. And it was cool, ya know? The people are okay. I was expecting meccaleccajihad to the nines, but..if you're smart, little need to worry about that in Malaysia. Laskar Jihad is there, but they're marginalized, stay in their holes. Malaysia is similar to Turkey, a moderate muslim country that tries to be contemporary. It reminded me of America, really. There's Malays. There's Bangladeshis & Indians. There's a lot of Chinese & Thais. And even some Indonesians, who Malaysians hate for some reason.."They practice black magic, man, black magic". I had long hair, dreadlocks. Like, every day, there'd be some Malay kid "YEAH! RAGE AGAINST MACHINE! Rock and a ROLL!"

People bitch about drug laws here, and they are definitely stupid. They are not Malaysian drug laws though. Everywhere in Malaysia, there are potleaf skull signs, along with guys in uniforms carrying Kalashnikov rifles to make sure you can read. What happens in many states in the US if you are caught with weed is you might go to jail if you have a lot, or more likely you'll be slapped with an exorbitant fine & a record. In Malaysia, this is what you are likely to get for 7 ounces of weed:



Any amount of icky sticky, you are likely to spend a long stint in a lovely Malaysian prison. Seven ounces or harder stuff, DEATH SENTENCE. Better have a direct line to the US Consulate. Years before I went, some Aussie tourists got busted with drruuuuugs, Sidney. They swang. Even the Aussie consulate couldn't save them, it was a big deal. Malaysians do not like arrogant westerners coming into their country with drugs. Thailand is similar, with the addendum that if you insult the monarchy, you may end up in jail for a week or two. I watched my trailpack like a hawk. "NO! No..thank you, I'll put that in the teksi, thank you very much." Piss the wrong person off, there might suddenly be an ounce of hashish in your pack and a dude with a mustache, fatigues, and an I-Hate-Whitey look on his face. Really, the signs with skull & crossbones should say:

"Dear Malaysian People...stop putting sesame seed oil on all your food, it is disgusting. This decree comes from his Majesticness, the President of Malaysia. Thank you for your cooperation. Anymore sesame seed oil, and you will swing."

Because Malaysian food is the worst crap I have ever eaten in my life! Bosnian food is better. Take some week old chinese takee-outtee from your fridge, reheat it in a microwave about five times, dump a gallon of sesame seed oil on it, and you can open up your own Malaysian eatery.

Poverty. Poverty is everywhere there. I'm about to get all Sean Penn here, but..rivercities, shanty towns in Kuala Lumpur built on water that looks & smells like week old diarrhea. Get E. Coli just looking at the stuff. People stop what they're doing in alleys and just piss right on the street..not much different than downtown San Fran I guess. Little kids crawling on your back like they're wading in acid. But...HAPPY. "YAY! AMERICA AMERICA! YAYYYY!"..they weren't even asking for money. I gave them some ringits anyway. Go get yourself another shirt, little kid! That one looks like you were breakdancing in a threshing machine. I had very little room in my rucksack for tourist totchkies from Penam or somewhere anyway. "Now I have TWO clean shirts! I'm a PIMP!" (collar pop) I came back with a gilded mask of Hanuman the monkey god, some weird jewelry, many pictures, a couple of sarongs, some Mad Magazine ripoff Malaysian comics, and a pair of handcuffs..it was an ordeal explaining that to the little Japanese lady at Kansai airport. I finally just claimed them as a sexual aid...well, it worked! Japanese pervs.

I was perpetually sick, because I kept drinking iced watermelon juice, "Teng Mu". THE STUFF IS AMAZING, I COULDN'T STOP! "Chirit Berit" - Bahasa Malay for diarrhea. The water code isn't, uh, up to par there. It's a tropical climate, humid as heck, and there are bugs there that will gnaw your face off then wear it like a halloween mask. The Brits would go stomping around in those jungles for days, camping with centipedes the size of a child's arm. There were a lot of British backpackers who were hardcore..fearless. They aren't worth as much on the black market. Hung out with some in Huahin, Thailand.

Brit 1: Cheerio mate, num nummin on banana pancakes? Addictive, ain't they guvnah?
Me: You know it brutha, I can't get enough of them.
Brit 2: Where you drop in from then? You a Yank?
Me: Yup (to everybody else, Canadian..it's better that way). Came by train from Malaysia a couple days ago.
Brit 1: Right right. We just got back from CAMBODIA! Snuck across the border.
Me: What? You guys are nuts!
Brit 2: Naw mate, it was great! We crossed over into Laos too. Saw a bunch of ancient buddhist temples, tucked away just waiting for us.
Me: There's still Khmer Rouge remnants hanging around those mountains looking for people like us. You two are charmed.
Brit 1: Naw, it was good fun! Didn't see any of dem. Can't go worryin about dem wankas.
Me: You guys are, like, my personal heroes. I believe these are your banana pancakes.

Awhile back, my brother was looking for cheap trips to Europe..

Jim: "I've heard good things about Slovenia. Not as expensive as Western Europe, tons of great Aegean beaches..."
Me: FACEPALM