The Kind Of Communism For Me

I don't believe communism works as a system for nation states that are a hodge podge of different peoples with different values. But, among people that share most values, ideals, I believe it works. Works like this:

Person 1: My scanner is busted and I can't afford a new one right now. I gotta scan all this stuff so I can put it online!
Person 2: Well, come over and we'll scan all of it. You can come use my scanner until you can afford your own.
Person 1: Thanks!

Speaking of which, communism, soviets...I think it went something like this. It was sort of the battle of the moustaches:

Leo Trotsky: Er, Mr. Secretary, perhaps we should worry more about our problems here, not going around telling everyone outside of Russia what to do.

Stalin: HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME?! I am the GREAT STALIN, Lord Hammer on Hammer Mountain!

Leo Trotsky: Преданная революция: Что такое СССР и куда он идет?
!
Stalin: That's all greek to me, pal. I'm a Georgian, I can barely write in that language. TO EXILE WITH YOU, YOU ARE A THREAT TO MY POSITION AS GENERAL SECRETARY!

(Or maybe it was the other way around, who can fucking remember, the result always seems to be the same with authoritarians & empires)

Leo Trotsky: I'm so hosed! I'm going to write about it. And I'm going to write about what a moron Stalin is. At least I have a few friends & my typewriter.

(Later)

Communist Yes Man #1: Generalissimo, Father Russia, who is not Russian, but nevermind...anyway, we made that deal with Hitler so we could grab some of that Poland action.

Stalin: Speciba speciba. That is good.

Communist Yes Man #2: Lord Shit on Shit Mountain, we invaded Finland like you said to! THEY ARE KICKING OUR ASS! This isn't a cakewalk like we thought it would be. A bunch of crazy laplanders with skis are taking out our tanks with cheap molotov cocktails! A $5M tank fried by a 5 cent bottle full of petrol!

Stalin: So? Put mesh over the exhausts on the tanks so they can't throw them in there.

Communist Yes Man #2: WE DID THAT! Now they strap rocks to the molotovs so they break over the mesh anyway. These Finns are fucking crazy. They defy you. And they defy Hitler too, they're playing us off of one another!

Stalin: Throw more men at them. If there's one thing the motherland has, it's plenty of cannonfodder.

Communist Yes Man #3: Big Daddy! We just got word that Trotsky wrote a book that totally tears you a new asshole!

Stalin: HIM AGAIN!!? Send out death squads! Doesn't he know I am like Hitler with a bigger moustache?

Seriously, only Magnum PI should have a moustache. Or Higgins, his stache was cooler because he was british. British guys just seem to make sense with mustaches.

Clive: OH NIGEL, might you have any dapper dan?

Nigel: Why yes, Clive. Fancy a spot of tea? Perhaps some soldiers (toast for tea).

Clive: Oh Nigel, is there nothing better than waxing your moustache while having a spot of tea?

Nigel: I know of nothing more satisfying. Fancy a fag?

Clive: Beg your pardon? Nigel, I may be effete and cultured, but...

Nigel: A cigarette, my good man!

Clive: Oh!

Nigel & Clive: Hahahahahaha! Jolly old times!

Magnum PI can rock a stache. If you want a stache, you must be one of the following people:

British
Tom Selleck
Charlie Chaplin (a Romani, Hitler ripped off his stache)
Wyatt Earp or Doc Holliday or some badass like that.
That cartoon guy puts girls on train tracks, Dastardly Dan.
Ming The Merciless
Raz Al Ghul from the Batman comics
Groucho Marx

Okay, most of those are fictional people, but you get the point.

I met this guy once who had a moustache. And a gold tooth too, I guess he was going fullhog. His name is Eugene Hutz. He's in a band that are really awesome, Gogol Bordello. My friend Miko wanted to get a picture with him. Miko puts on some sunglasses & just stands in front of Hutz like he's the fucking Eifel Tower or something. Nope, you can't do that with a Romani. If you want a real picture of them, have to get one of them living. Hutz was okay with that, but Miko wouldn't just ask him to take a picture with him. Damn, Miko. Can talk his way into any girl's pants, usually one I would be interested in, but can't do that for some reason. I didn't want a picture with Hutz. I wanted to talk to him. Haha. I did. He was sharp. I saw them at a small show, which they played like it was a huge stadium show, because that is what they do. If there's 30 people there, they play just like it's 3,000 people. He was just sort of hanging out on the wall, chilling, watching the bassist from his band DJ. He was a pretty intense dude. Chernobyl kind of ripped his family in two. I wish that easily avoidable stupid disaster had never happened, the Soviets fucked up royally. I read a good article about it in Natl Geo not that long ago on modern nuclear power plants. No boxcutter kamikazee could take one out. Those 30,000 fatcat Saudi royals who drink on planes then go back to SA and tell people they can't drink and tell women they can't drive, I pray for the day they are scrubbing floors with everyone else.

Rich Saudi Prince 1: Holy crap! America built 20 new nuclear power plants!

Rich Saudi Prince 2: Allahhu ackbar! We are fucked! God is great in his fucking of us!

Rich Saudi Prince 1: Damn it. Now I'll only be able to have 3 wives and 4 supermodel girlfriends!

Rich Saudi Prince 3: The King said to load all the diamonds on the plane, we gotta jet.

Rich Saudi Prince 4: HAHA, Ali, you make PUN!

Rich Saudi Prince 3: (Pulls out pistol: BLAM) He was the stupid brother anyway.

And then there were three.