My Style of Diplomacy

Here is what should've happened back in 2003, if we hadn't had a moron named George Bush III in office. I seem to recall another George III being a problem for the United States a long, long time ago:

Dear Iraqi Baath Party,

If you want to go goosestepping through the streets of Baghdad, that is your business. We're sick of dicking around with the UN and Saddam though. Here in the United States, we love lotteries and get rich quick schemes. We're concerned that Iraq will start selling oil to countries in competition with us, and therefore our dollar will lose its petro-backed value. If you big chiefums in the Baath Party hog tie and hand over Saddam and these few dozen other people we don't like (the REAL Saddam, not some chador salesman with a dirty sanchez moustache), we'll give each high-ranking officer in the Baath Party $10,000. We have a lot of corporations licking their lips over here at the opportunity of making a huge profit off the blood of both our people and yours. If we come in, there will be much bloodshed, MORE depleted uranium mines littering the ground and burning into the atmosphere (and according to our own military studies, this shit is incredibly dangerous when handled or when burned) and there will be much busting up of infrastructure, and all those religious zealots you hate will be running loose everywhere. That would suck. OH, here in the United States, we love weed too, we just won't admit it. If you cooperate, we'll ship in Hindu Kush seeds so the Kurds will have something to do. Maybe you can get the Iranians high too, they need it.

Dear American People,

We don't know what the fuck Saddam is doing. That's the problem. Really, though...how does $10/gallon gas sound to you? Let's be real, we hardly have democracy here, we can't bring it to a bunch of pan-arab nationalist nazis in the tigris-euphrates valley. Maybe if all the far-left handwringers had gotten the cocks of tweed-jacketed left-over 60s hippy college professors out of their mouths for half a minute, we could have those 100 top of the line nuclear power plants that would make us almost totally self-sufficient for energy...but no, all the Euro-Douches get to have them. Toyota and Honda want to sell hybrids that cost two to three times as much as a gas powered equivalent, and celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chevy Chase want to drive big gas guzzling SUV's while telling everyone else they're supporting terrorists. Shame on them, and shame on you. All the people that drive smaller more fuel efficient cars are thrilled that you feel safer in your Abrams tank..maybe if you paid attention to the road instead of chatting on your blackberry while three LCD screens played, everyone else would feel safer too. Damn, the best was this one time I saw a huge SUV, and the LCD screen in the back was playing a hardcore porn movie. THANKS! Why the hell was THAT GUY driving around while Pee Wee Herman/Paul Reubens got shafted for being far more discreet than that. LCD screens...there's these things called, uh, BOOKS..they fit nicely in those little pockets on the back of car seats. Or maybe your kids could talk to each other or something, play handslaps, animal or vegetable, or rock-paper-scissors. You know that company we have, Ford? They make these new compact engines that get about 40 to 50 mpg. Apparently, these are only good enough for other countries, you won't buy these sorts of cars, America. Ya know, all that extra petrol saved could be used to make a lot more cheap plastic shit, my fellow Americans! Anyway, I gotta go give the First Lady the high hard one. I do enjoy these fireside chats, fellow merkins!

Afghanistan is different....

Bush the fratboy slept off hangovers in an F-11, and sent many to be cannon fodder for his ivy league cronies in his administration. A wise leader, a scrupulous one, may have sent them, but not under this false premise of bringing democracy. It would have been best to strike quick, round up every Talibani piece of shit without incurring trillions in costs, countless deaths, and bombing a place ALREADY in the stone age into the stone age. Bomb them into the stoned age with marijuana instead. The Soviets were in Afghanistan for 8 years and it led nowhere good for them...why do we think we have something so much better that those people want? Destroy the opium fields, and encourage the cultivation of potent marijuana strains again. OH WAIT, that's right, the western pharmaceutical companies want to own those strains for their edicinal values...the ones they hire talking heads to come out and say have no medicinal value. Owning a plant. Even what comes from god, from the earth, they wish to patent it and sell it to the populace in the form of overpriced pills. Suckers of satan's cock. The tribal leaders of Afghanistan, the Loya Jirga, wanted the Shah of Afghanistan to be reinstated, but the US blocked that decision so they could get their boy Karzai in there. In my eyes, destruction sometimes is necessary..but destroying without a clear vision of what to build in its stead is insane and evil. I think the United States is a mentally ill country.