War!

I wrote this awhiles back, I'll put it up...

This country loves a war.

War Against Terror (How can you fight a concept)

War of The Sexes (I feel the same things, can we cut the crap)

War in Afghanistan & Iraq (Have any of these schmucks in charge read Sun Tzu? How many fronts are we going to fight on here?)

And...War Against (Some) Drugs. Well, the drugs that don't make the right people money. That's what it should be called. The War Against Drugs That We Can't Advertise On TV or Patent. I do like weed okay. It calms me down, makes me easier to deal with, makes it easier for me to deal with people when I know a place.

When I was a skinny lil smart ass, my family made me take my savings and use it to go to Malaysia with my brother. "Oh, you need to have more appreciation for this country. Go & see what poverty REALLY is". I live here, not in one of these third world miasmas, but thank you. I wanted to go to Serbia, Romania, Ukraine, etc.

My brother: "Eastern Europe? Why you want to go there? Boring & rundown."
Me: "It's the old country! Kiev, Lublijana, Sarajevo..these are gorgeous old world cities with a lot of history."
My brother: "Naw, you'll love Malaysia. Island resorts are the same price per day as a Motel 8 is here."

The beach, man, BEACH! It's where land meets water. BFD. I like the beach, but people lose their shit over it too much. There are nice beaches in the states, and there's plenty of coral reefs in the Keys to snorkel over & fuck up. I'm out there, floating over some coral, and I care less about the school of reef sharks nearby feeding than I do about the coral I just snapped off with a fin. I could see other spots where tourists had broken the reef.

Anyway, I go. And it was cool, ya know? The people are okay. I was expecting meccaleccajihad to the nines, but..if you're smart, little need to worry about that in Malaysia. Laskar Jihad is there, but they're marginalized, stay in their holes. Malaysia is similar to Turkey, a moderate muslim country that tries to be contemporary. It reminded me of America, really. There's Malays. There's Bangladeshis & Indians. There's a lot of Chinese & Thais. And even some Indonesians, who Malaysians hate for some reason.."They practice black magic, man, black magic". I had long hair, dreadlocks. Like, every day, there'd be some Malay kid "YEAH! RAGE AGAINST MACHINE! Rock and a ROLL!"

People bitch about drug laws here, and they are definitely stupid. They are not Malaysian drug laws though. Everywhere in Malaysia, there are potleaf skull signs, along with guys in uniforms carrying Kalashnikov rifles to make sure you can read. What happens in many states in the US if you are caught with weed is you might go to jail if you have a lot, or more likely you'll be slapped with an exorbitant fine & a record. In Malaysia, this is what you are likely to get for 7 ounces of weed:



Any amount of icky sticky, you are likely to spend a long stint in a lovely Malaysian prison. Seven ounces or harder stuff, DEATH SENTENCE. Better have a direct line to the US Consulate. Years before I went, some Aussie tourists got busted with drruuuuugs, Sidney. They swang. Even the Aussie consulate couldn't save them, it was a big deal. Malaysians do not like arrogant westerners coming into their country with drugs. Thailand is similar, with the addendum that if you insult the monarchy, you may end up in jail for a week or two. I watched my trailpack like a hawk. "NO! No..thank you, I'll put that in the teksi, thank you very much." Piss the wrong person off, there might suddenly be an ounce of hashish in your pack and a dude with a mustache, fatigues, and an I-Hate-Whitey look on his face. Really, the signs with skull & crossbones should say:

"Dear Malaysian People...stop putting sesame seed oil on all your food, it is disgusting. This decree comes from his Majesticness, the President of Malaysia. Thank you for your cooperation. Anymore sesame seed oil, and you will swing."

Because Malaysian food is the worst crap I have ever eaten in my life! Bosnian food is better. Take some week old chinese takee-outtee from your fridge, reheat it in a microwave about five times, dump a gallon of sesame seed oil on it, and you can open up your own Malaysian eatery.

Poverty. Poverty is everywhere there. I'm about to get all Sean Penn here, but..rivercities, shanty towns in Kuala Lumpur built on water that looks & smells like week old diarrhea. Get E. Coli just looking at the stuff. People stop what they're doing in alleys and just piss right on the street..not much different than downtown San Fran I guess. Little kids crawling on your back like they're wading in acid. But...HAPPY. "YAY! AMERICA AMERICA! YAYYYY!"..they weren't even asking for money. I gave them some ringits anyway. Go get yourself another shirt, little kid! That one looks like you were breakdancing in a threshing machine. I had very little room in my rucksack for tourist totchkies from Penam or somewhere anyway. "Now I have TWO clean shirts! I'm a PIMP!" (collar pop) I came back with a gilded mask of Hanuman the monkey god, some weird jewelry, many pictures, a couple of sarongs, some Mad Magazine ripoff Malaysian comics, and a pair of handcuffs..it was an ordeal explaining that to the little Japanese lady at Kansai airport. I finally just claimed them as a sexual aid...well, it worked! Japanese pervs.

I was perpetually sick, because I kept drinking iced watermelon juice, "Teng Mu". THE STUFF IS AMAZING, I COULDN'T STOP! "Chirit Berit" - Bahasa Malay for diarrhea. The water code isn't, uh, up to par there. It's a tropical climate, humid as heck, and there are bugs there that will gnaw your face off then wear it like a halloween mask. The Brits would go stomping around in those jungles for days, camping with centipedes the size of a child's arm. There were a lot of British backpackers who were hardcore..fearless. They aren't worth as much on the black market. Hung out with some in Huahin, Thailand.

Brit 1: Cheerio mate, num nummin on banana pancakes? Addictive, ain't they guvnah?
Me: You know it brutha, I can't get enough of them.
Brit 2: Where you drop in from then? You a Yank?
Me: Yup (to everybody else, Canadian..it's better that way). Came by train from Malaysia a couple days ago.
Brit 1: Right right. We just got back from CAMBODIA! Snuck across the border.
Me: What? You guys are nuts!
Brit 2: Naw mate, it was great! We crossed over into Laos too. Saw a bunch of ancient buddhist temples, tucked away just waiting for us.
Me: There's still Khmer Rouge remnants hanging around those mountains looking for people like us. You two are charmed.
Brit 1: Naw, it was good fun! Didn't see any of dem. Can't go worryin about dem wankas.
Me: You guys are, like, my personal heroes. I believe these are your banana pancakes.

Awhile back, my brother was looking for cheap trips to Europe..

Jim: "I've heard good things about Slovenia. Not as expensive as Western Europe, tons of great Aegean beaches..."
Me: FACEPALM

Haterz

I said to someone recently that I hate people, but that's not the case so much. I'd had a bad day, I was kinda slacking & getting chewed for it. My car had stalled & I was more angry at myself for being dumb & not getting gas while I was thinking about it. A couple of people stopped their routines to help me push some. I was outside the gate to the parking lot & some jogger stopped, helped me push it a bit. I said "thanks, bless ya bro, I got it from here". He said "are you sure, I can help you the whole way". I don't know why I didn't say YES, but hell..I was grateful for the bit he did help, didn't want to take advantage of the dude. I get inside the lot, and there's this incline, it was becoming impossible to push. This pickup truck was behind me, and I sort of waved at the guy to go around me. MOST people would've just zipped around. But this good ole boy jumped out and helped me push it into a lot. "Howdy feller. Need some help?" Damn. Then I go saying I hate people. I don't. It's just having realistic expectations. I guess they liked the mohawk I was still sporting, I dunno.

Wonder Showzen

Last Summer, my brother was visiting from Japan, because he's too good for the States. We were looking at funny vids, banned commercials, crap like that.

Me: "Have you seen Wonder Showzen"?
Jim: Wonder Wha? Who or what is a Wonder Showzen.
Me: It's pretty much the most racist, bigoted, wrongest most hilarious show ever produced. They make fun of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, especially white people. Nothing is sacred on this show. I can only watch it every once in awhile, too much leads to retardation & psychosis.
Jim: (Sigh)..Great. Sounds right up my alley. Alright, let's see it. This is going to be some stupid crap, isn't it.

MTV Shows

MTV Shows

Jim: (look on face like I just handed him a turd pickle) What the hell did you just make me watch. People think that's funny?
Lee: Ah, you no like?
Jim: It's just immature, weird & sick. The hot dog & white people music videos were funny though.
Lee: Yeah. Hey, you let your kids watch South Park. Don't get all high & mighty on me, man.

Project Playalist

Favorites

Does anyone even use this anymore? Everyone's got a hard on for Pandora now, which doesn't let you share compilations to my knowledge. I hate that the links go bad so often on stupid Playlist though.

Oldies

Oh wait, I know why nobody uses it anymore. BECAUSE IT'S BUGGIER THAN A BANGKOK STREET WALKER!

Movie Review

I wrote a bunch for eFilm Critic, this respected, super-hip movie review site.

http://www.efilmcritic.com/hbs.cgi?reviewer=156

I'm going to talk about a movie I love, Once Upon A Time In America. It's one of two of Sergio Leone's epic movies about the United States, the other being Once Upon A Time In The West. It starts with a bunch of kids, a gang of resourceful street urchins lead by Robert Dineiro & James Woods. They quickly begin to encroach not only on the territory of other youth gangs, but on the territory of the mafiosos and such. There is one great scene where they devise a way to hide bootleg liquor under the surface of the water, so that when a shipment is about to be intercepted by the feds, the people on the boat dump these packages with counterweights filled with salt. After they get off scot free, they go back to where the booze is under the water and the salt in the bags dissolves so the buoys pop back up. Zoink! BRILLIANT!

Woods' character is the one that wants it all, always thinks too big. Dineiro's character is the more cynical one, who doesn't want much more than to make enough money to win the heart of his childhood sweetheart, a jewish girl who thinks him douchey & without value, while she dreams of being a big shot actress & superstar herself. There's one really terrible scene where he does all these things for her, romances her, pours his heart out to her, and she pretty much tells him: NOPE, I wanna go to HOLLYWOOD & be a BIG STAR. But, ya know, sorry and everything, I'm truly crazy about you. AHHHHHRRRG! Hoops & hoops and hoops. He ravishes her, she flees for Hollywood, then he spends most of the movie all brooding and filled with guilt, consorting with ladies of the night, half-heartedly. Isn't feeling it. He goes to opium dens to zone out, ease the pain. Isn't feeling that so much either. This movie is pretty Tarantino. It jumps from past to present to future, back again. My favorite part is where the leader of another youth gang is chasing them, shoots the youngest one & kills him.



As years go by, Woods and Deneiro grow apart in their values. Dineiro is humble, doesn't want a lot of attention & heat, Woods wants it all, is out of control, wants to try to knock over a Federal Reserve. Dineiro tries to get the cops to bust him on some little charge to keep him from doing something suicidal, so Woods sets him up & disappears. The end of the movie is amazing. I won't give that away. Never give away a punchline.

It's just a great fucking movie. Scorcese must have watched it, because Gangs of New York has some similarities.



Back before every damn trailer revealed the ending of the movie. What morons make trailers now? "(Moviefone Voice) Bruce Willis is a guy who thinks he's alive, but is really a ghost psychologist. Coming next month: THE SIXTH SENSE. Enjoy the movie I just ruined for you, schmucks. (DUMB DUMB DUMB)."

"IN A WORLD, WHERE APES EVOLVED FROM MEN BECAUSE MEN BLEW UP THE WORLD WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS, CHARLETON HESTON IS ON...THE PLANET OF THE APES. (EXPLOSION)"

NoOOooooo! You damn dirty bastards. You went & did it, didn't you! You went and rooo-ined this fuckin movie for me! (falls to knees at movie theatre)

DNA Beach Blanket Bingo (Part 1)

Lineage Schmineage..

This whole what's-your-lineage DNA scientist game...the natives do that. "You're Eskimo-Christian-HipHop-Badabadabingbang too? Ohhhh, Dirka dirka, mohammed jihad, here are keys to the castle, open Shemsami..." The natives love their hyphenateds, yet hate others for theirs. Gangs of New York crap. If you're just trying to be an American, have your mode, they start adding all these hyphenateds to you & then slap a hyphenated sticker on you & say "haha, eat shit now, sucker". A guy, an American one, is like the country he lives in. Becomes responsible for the sins of the fathers, mothers, AND..the sins of the country he lives in..though this is no longer a patrician society in actuality. Dan Savage did this lecture that blew my mind..wish I'd never seen it, but I'm grateful there's a gay columnist and a female sociologist writer to write about what guys are rarely ever allowed to: the male heart wound. There's lots of dumbass douchie guys..I just get douchey now & then. I try to be happy. I've GOT to, it affects people I care about when I give in to negativity too much. Some stuff just can't matter.

Gilda Radner

I know at least one chick who will find this hilarious.

I remember this spoof commercial from when I was a little kid. It was funny then, even funnier now. Gilda Radner was really brilliant.

Big reveal at the end of the year. It's best not to think about things so much, yes. I feel more alien than ever. Well, no, I feel about as alien as I always did. I've thought about this stuff my whole life. Was sort of meant to be I guess.